tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53100144755287208482024-03-13T19:25:22.015-07:00Promoted to MotherhoodVanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-73628609735817865602012-10-28T16:56:00.001-07:002012-10-28T16:56:10.527-07:00Remember yesterday how I was shitting rainbows, puppies, and unicorns about motherhood? Today, the universe decided to laugh its shit-eating-grin head off, say, "check this out!!, and the devil's spawn was my child's replacement.<br />
<br />
Today was a smattering of meltdowns. talking back, sticking tongues out (her, not me), demands, and just plain nastiness. She told me she didn't like me a few times, which is what every parent wants to hear, and even threw things at me when I was trying to change her clothes this morning. On top of the lovely behavior, there was no nap which means by this time of the evening (7:50pm), I feel as though I must have done something truly awful in my previous life to deserve this, even though I don't even believe in reincarnation.<br />
<br />
So. It was the worst day we've had in a very long time.<br />
<br />
And there, my friends, is the bi-polar part of motherhood. Days like this will make the most sane person question where the hell their mind has gone, and my sanity has always been questionable.<br />
<br />
But, then she says things like this to break up the day:<br />
<br />
Me: Lily, you look so cute today!<br />
Lily: No, mom. I'm not cute. I'M AWESOME!!<br />
<br />
Or, from last night:<br />
<br />
Me: Lily, what do you want to be when you grow up? A doctor? A fireman?<br />
Lily: I want to go to school to be Scooby Doo.<br />
<br />
So, you have to love them despite the occasional demon possession. I guess that's kind of the rule.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-39542310014652163662012-10-27T10:35:00.002-07:002012-10-27T10:35:16.483-07:00This is what I do with my "mama day", talk/write about my kid. I guess that's what moms do.<br />
<br />
My {sometimes} awesome husband decided to give me a well-deserved mama day, after he received a lot of not-so-subtle hints. I just needed a break. He has been working on a few side art projects and so I have been in single mom mode for about a week and a half. Although I did get a night in a hotel this week for work, but a non-working break is in order today.<br />
<br />
We are gearing up for Lily's 4th Halloween, which is by far the most exciting Halloween to date. She is excited and we have two costumes, one for tonight's little party at a friend's pre-school, and one for Halloween night trick-or-treating. She understood it last year but this year she can anticipate it and look forward to it, which makes a world of difference. She is also starting to talk about what she wants from Santa, so I am SO excited for Christmas this year.<br />
<br />
I had to write a follow-up post about her previously discussed anxiety...it's gone now. She's doing amazing in both gymnastics and soccer. She really enjoys them both now which put this mama's mind at ease. I swore that I completely fucked her up for life, passing my issues onto her, and this was going to be the beginning of a very big battle with anxiety. Then I realized, that is just MY anxiety talking. I'm sure we're going to have some challenges with new environments but now I know that she will overcome her fears, just like we ALL can.<br />
<br />
She is genuinely coming out of her shell. She really prefers soccer but I think that's just because she has taken a shine to "Coach Taz", a flamboyant, young, fun man who Lily just finds fascinating. She talks about him at home often and keeps saying we have to invite him over to play.<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Right now I'm living the life that I imagined motherhood to be. I really love this age and want to truly freeze time. I might have said that before but I didn't mean it. Now, I mean it.<br />
<br />
Newborn and infant phases are for the birds, in my opinion. And I'm not even going to justify what I'm saying with a "It's a precious time, sure", or "It's a miracle to watch your little one grow, sure" comment. No. I'm sticking with "it sucks" and I really hated not knowing what I was doing during those phases. I knew as soon as Lily hit the 16 month mark that toddler > baby. I could have done without the terrible two's and early three's, but there has to be some bad, right?<br />
<br />
Now? It's amazing. She's growing into a personality. A person. A kid. It's entertaining and engaging. There are most certainly challenges that I did not foresee pre-motherhood but this is more of what I envisioned: social calendars filling with kid activities, humorous conversations and banter, the "why" phase (albeit annoying, it can be funny), the "I love you's" and heartfelt comments and questions from an innocent, naive being. This stage is defining motherhood for me. I love it.<br />
<br />
And no, I will not be having another, so please stop asking me, complete strangers.<br />
<br />
<br />Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-37613520437398471112012-10-06T07:58:00.000-07:002012-10-06T07:58:23.053-07:00Sometimes I just love being in a hotel room. I really love hotel rooms. Even when you're in them for work, it can still feel like a mini-vacation. They're especially fun when you're a mom and you're checking into the hotel room without child. That might have been a bit of a confession, but if you're a mom, you get it. Home is a place of work when you're a mom, even if the kid is asleep. I love home, I do, but hotels can be nice once in awhile.<br />
<br />
They also give me time to blog.<br />
<br />
I don't know that I can really catch up on two month's worth of Lily. She is changing so much everyday. This age is really great, I can say that. She has less tantrums, her sleep patterns are a bit more predictable, she understands so much that conversations are fun and interesting, and she is overall a sweet personality.<br />
<br />
She did FABULOUS on our 18 day trip to Costa Rica. She really loved it there and still talks about it everyday. And each night I ask her "what do you want me to tell you a story about tonight?", and she always replies, "Fletcher's house!!", who is the friend she made while we were there. She has asked for a "Fletcher's house" story every night for the past 4 weeks. She knows how the story goes, even when I try to switch it up, she will finish it for me.<br />
<br />
She was truly well behaved in Costa Rica and we saw such a change in her while we were there. She learned to play with sticks and rocks, danced in the surf, played in the pool. She had some of her technology, yes, but she just melded right into the laid back lifestyle there. It was so much fun.<br />
<br />
With all of that good, there is bound to be a bad. That bad right now is anxiety. Major anxiety. She is not fairing well in organized activities. We had her in swim lessons in August for 4 weeks and then she started gymnastics and soccer in September. All of the above cause her a ton of anxiety, including crying hysterically and stomach aches.<br />
<br />
When she first started this, my first gut reaction to this was to cry. Aside from feeling sympathetic to how she feels when she's anxious and wanting to take that away, I wanted to cry out of guilt, as though <i>I</i> did this to her. <i>I</i> am the one with anxiety so this is clearly <i>my</i> fault. But, genetics are a bitch. She is what she is, as my mom says. She did come from me so she's bound to have some of my negative traits.<br />
<br />
Before I had Lily, I had these unrealistic, euphoric expectations that my child would have a balanced combination of all of my redeeming qualities, as well as Dustin's: his calm demeanor, my organizational skills, his athleticism, my generous spirit, etc. Apparently, that's not the way it works.<br />
<br />
Lily just has a hard time in a big group and she does not like to be told what to do. She absolutely hates following directions...so she cries and wants to leave. Then she gets anxious about going to the next session of said activity. Lather, rinse, repeat.<br />
<br />
It's a whole lot of dialogue that Dustin and I have to go through almost on a daily basis. It goes something like this:<br />
{A few days prior to gymnastics} Lily: Mom, I'm all done with gymnastics??<br />
Me: Nope. It's on Fridays and today is Tuesday. Few more days!<br />
Lily: Noooooo!! I don't want to go. I don't want to go upside down!!!<br />
Me: I understand, Lily. I know that going upside down scares you. Miss Debbie will not make you go upside down.{validation of feelings} But, you're still going to go. {pushing through it, trying to show her it isn't scary, not giving into irrational fears}<br />
Lily: Nooooo!!!<br />
Me: {Changes subject}<br />
<br />
Then, the day of gymnastics, it's more of the same, starting when Lily sees her leotard. During gymnastics she cries so much and barely participates. It's flat out disruptive to the other ten little girls that are having fun and NOT crying. She'll only stop crying if the teacher gives her one-on-one attention.<br />
<br />
It's very frustrating, exhausting, and it makes us very sad that she's not enjoying these activities.<br />
<br />
But this too shall pass.<br />
<br />
And, as her parents, we have to give her a break. She is still relatively new to all of these organized sports activities. When she went to gymnastics last year, Dustin had to be in the gym with her, because she was under the age of 3, and she loved it, so I have hope she will learn to love it again after she gets over being with her peers without parents. She's only been to gymnastics four times in four weeks, so it is still new. Soccer has only been twice and thankfully, she did really well today, on her second time.<br />
<br />
The upside is that she will learn coping mechanisms early in life to deal with such anxiety. She's young enough to mold behavior and help her learn that these activities don't have to be scary. She will learn to deal with being in an uncomfortable situation and work through it, realizing that you WILL make it through and it can be fun.<br />
<br />
It's always an adventure...and a learning experience.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-58885484722473276012012-07-26T13:04:00.000-07:002012-07-26T13:04:19.395-07:00So, how do you discipline a three year old, exactly?<br />
This age is so interesting to me. Lily is nothing short of hilarious, even when she's being bad. Everyone keeps telling me "Make sure to have a consequence for wrong doing...and follow through!".<br />
Ok, so, she spits her chocolate milk because she thinks it's funny. I warn her twice to stop, the third time the consequence is no more :::ipad, movies, pool, treats, etc.:::::: for X amount of time, or the rest of the day even.<br />
Her response?<br />
"I don't want my :::ipad, movie, treat, pool, etc.::::", with the proverbial devilish grin, and continues undesirable behavior. I follow through with my threat and she follows through with her ability not to give a shit.<br />
It's interesting.<br />
I'm really at a loss in those moments on how to discipline. I always knew discipline would be tricky. THAT is one thing I was kindof-sortof prepared for with parenthood. I did not expect it to be so funny though. I cannot help but laugh when Lily says something snarky right back at me or Dustin. I don't let her see me laugh, of course, but it's funny.<br />
<br />
One thing that she does that really irritates me, but, again, it's funny, is when she does the "dead man float" out of water. Does that need elaboration, or do all kids do this? So, it's when I'm trying to get her to do something: take a bath, go potty, etc., and she doesn't want to go.... so she plays dead. Her whole body goes limp and she even closes her eyes. I'll attempt to get her on her feet and she is just dead weight. I literally cannot lift her when she does this and she just lays there and laughs. I cannot muster any verbal commands when this happens because, again, I'm laughing at her creativity.<br />
<br />
Sigh. Toddlers.<br />
<br />
<br />Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-89256239257381988392012-07-15T06:53:00.001-07:002012-07-15T13:31:17.576-07:00I'm trying to keep up with blog. I know I will regret it if I don't. This is my memoirs of my only child and my sole purpose is so I can do two things, 1.) let Lily read this someday if she chooses, and 2.) laugh at myself someday when Lily is WAY more challenging, as in the teenage years.<br />
<br />
Speaking of teenagers, I read the term "Threenager" on my friend Christie's blog and that is a PERFECT way to describe the age of three. It's much more challenging than two. I'm sorry to break it to my friends with children younger than three, but it's true. Someone wrote in an article that "three is two... with intent", and it's so true. Three year olds are much more calculating, manipulative, and determined. And much more hilarious, which I'm assuming, is what God throws in there to make this all worth it. Emotions run high at this age. It can be downright scary at times...but, it is such a time of learning and exploration, so much different than that of a younger toddler, so it's fun.<br />
<br />
Recap from the last couple of months:<br />
<br />
Disney...<br />
"The happiest place on earth" is what they all say. I have to argue with that. I mean, if walking around in 100 degree humid heat, waiting in lines for hours, paying a ridiculous amount of money for food, tickets, and souvenirs, watching kids melting down everywhere you look, and battling copious amounts of people is what the happiest place on earth is like then I would HATE to see hell. Ok, so I'm obviously not a fan of theme parks but I have to say every single second of heat and crowds and every penny was worth it. We had a blast.<br />
We took her the week before her 3rd birthday. It was so fun to see her reactions and all the excitement on her face. She was so excited that she didn't sleep well the night before which made for some really interesting tantrums throughout the morning but she did really well overall.<br />
My favorite tantrum story of the day was her meltdown on It's a Small World ride. It was her first ride ever. There was no wait at all. As we're walking onto the boat, Dustin picks her up to help her since she almost fell into the water trying to do it herself. Apparently, it was one of those "I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF" moments and she freaked the hell out. She threw the biggest tantrum for the first five to ten minutes of the ride. Everyone was staring. Classic moment. Then, this sweet lady with two older children turned around and gave me one of those looks to say " I so know what you're going through. Just breathe" and then looked at Lily and said, "Hey, you can't cry on It's a Small World! It's supposed to be happy" and then proceeded to try to calm her down by pointing things out to her. It was all to no avail but sometimes the kindness of strangers reinstates my faith in people. Lily did calm down and did enjoy the rest of the ride. I've never seen her eyes so big.<br />
She got to meet all of her favorite characters and got their signatures in her autograph book (with the help of daddy since we forgot the book when we saw Mickey and Minnie). We only rode a couple of rides since meeting characters was much more important, but it was all perfect.<br />
We spent the night in a hotel, which was a first for her. So, after waking up at 6am, not napping, and being completely in love with everything in the hotel, especially the elevator (or alagavater, as she called it), she finally fell asleep at 10pm, in bed with me, which was also very interesting. It was certainly a very memorable couple of days.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-H8x_3VbuBs0/UALMuw8rSSI/AAAAAAAABIc/Z5s8r1XCStg/s1600/35637250001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-H8x_3VbuBs0/UALMuw8rSSI/AAAAAAAABIc/Z5s8r1XCStg/s320/35637250001.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Birthday...<br />
A couple of months before her birthday, I asked Lily what kind of party she wanted. She vacillated from Curious George to Rio to Up to Minnie/Mickey Mouse. I was super excited about the "Up" theme...but then I realized that it was her party, not mine, and as she became more insistent about the Mickey/Minnie thing, I had to go with it.<br />
I decided to DIY a lot of the decorations, thanks to Pinterest. I made Mickey Mouse plates out of small and large black paper plates, dipped strawberries and marshmellows and covered them with Mickey Mouse sprinkles, and even make Mickey shaped rice krispie treats. No one ever told me that DIYing does NOT mean it will be cheaper. I think I spent more on this party than I did on her first and second combined. Everything did turn out the way I had imagined though and Lily seemed to really like it.<br />
<br />
DIYing...<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8146/7203220002_cde956c1c0_c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8146/7203220002_cde956c1c0_c.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7086/7203304282_26631815f6_c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7086/7203304282_26631815f6_c.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8157/7203208276_98de60a492_c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8157/7203208276_98de60a492_c.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7212/7203211710_3be8e21fe6_c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7212/7203211710_3be8e21fe6_c.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
{banner by <a href="http://www.facebook.com/paperlullaby" target="_blank">Paper Lullaby</a>, my friend Shel's company. Love her stuff!}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8165/7203307092_aa94aa21ca_c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8165/7203307092_aa94aa21ca_c.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
{Cupcakes by Auntie Kiki, who should have her own business!}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7082/7203308366_2dc0e03549_c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7082/7203308366_2dc0e03549_c.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
{Cupcake topper designs by my husband, <a href="http://designsbydn.com/" target="_blank">Designs by DN</a>}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-21lnEp99Sl0/UAMnwoPXDeI/AAAAAAAABIo/3xym27aBLpA/s1600/DSC00601.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-21lnEp99Sl0/UAMnwoPXDeI/AAAAAAAABIo/3xym27aBLpA/s320/DSC00601.JPG" width="277" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
{My daughter was lucky enough to have 2 homemade dresses for her party. Dress #1, compliments of <a href="http://www.chaosandloveshop.com/" target="_blank">Jessica</a>.}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qkotc7UDxWY/UAMn5Fr0q4I/AAAAAAAABIw/FqLHOCmfcCY/s1600/DSC00612.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qkotc7UDxWY/UAMn5Fr0q4I/AAAAAAAABIw/FqLHOCmfcCY/s320/DSC00612.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
{ Dress #2, compliments of my friend Cori.}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
{And yes, my child had a black eye on her birthday from tripping at Bop's house. It's genetic.}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
We hosted around 40 guests at our clubhouse in hopes of a pool party. Of course, true to Lily form, she wanted nothing to do with the pool and was so fixated on her gifts that nothing else mattered, not even cupcakes. </div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
So, I made the ultimate mistake of allowing her to open her gifts. With 9 other toddlers in attendance. I apparently missed the memo that the reason why parents wait until guests are gone to open gifts is so that bar fights don't break out amongst the children....because that is exactly what happened. Lily received a play golf set from her "Uncle" Nick. Very cute, simple toy with 3 plastic clubs and balls. Well, the clubs soon became weapons and there was a lot of crying involved. Lily couldn't care less because she was onto opening her next gift, but, I won't be making that mistake again. Toddlers are scary. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8166/7203352296_59b419bc42_c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="219" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8166/7203352296_59b419bc42_c.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
This was one of the bar fights. Lola and Gema fighting over golf clubs. Notice Ty on the far right using the club as a bat. He loves baseball. </div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
It was a really fun party and went by in a blur. She got shy when everyone sang to her but proudly blew out her own candles. She chased her friend Lola around the most, since my child loves to just be one on one, and was so happy the whole day. We didn't get any videos this year. I'm not sure what happened to my brain on that one. All of the DIYing got to me, I think. </div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
On her real birthday, we celebrated quietly at home with a homemade dinner by Bop and cake by mommy. That was a fun, relaxing day. </div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
Lily now:</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Is in the "why??" phase, which I have always dreaded, but it turns out that it can be kind of entertaining. </div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Can count to 20.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Can count up to 20 objects when asked "how many _____ are there?".</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Swims with floaties.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Is in a fearful phase of things like slides.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Is asking about going back to school.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Loves playdoh.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Continues to recite commercials and movies.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Loves to jump on anything that can be turned into a trampoline.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Continues to be a tomboy and wants nothing to do with anything princess-like.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
-Has a fantastic memory and remembers every.single.promise. you make her.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Loves old school cartoons like Tom & Jerry, Scobby Doo, and Chip & Dale.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Is fully potty trained but can be so stubborn about pooping in the potty. </div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
- Continues to get compliments on a daily basis for her "classic hair".</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
I know I missed updating a lot but daily life just slips by. I can't believe just 6 more weeks until we leave with Lily for 2 weeks to Costa Rica. I'm starting my prayers now for that trip.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
More to come...</div>
<br />
<br />Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-72309552236602371902012-05-15T04:45:00.000-07:002012-05-15T05:27:52.169-07:00Three years ago, I was calm.<br />
I was at peace.<br />
I was ready.<br />
<br />
I've talked about how motherhood has thrown me for a loop over and over on this blog. How utterly unprepared I was for this challenge and this life change. But for labor and delivery? I was ready.<br />
<br />
Going into my 38 week appointment felt different. I had been feeling really awful that week but being my first experience with pregnancy, I chalked it up to being... well... pregnant. I was so fatigued that I could barely function, I was nauseated all of the time, and I was so swollen, as in abnormally swollen. Walking into that appointment I was 99% sure that things with me and baby were just fine. But that 1% would just not shut the hell up and I had this irritating voice in my head telling me today was not any normal, average day.<br />
Soon after 3pm, it wasn't just the voices in my head talking, it was my doctor sending me to triage telling me that baby needed to come out. My blood pressure was climbing and my pee was apparently pissed off. I had pre-eclampsia, which was a condition I feared my whole pregnancy.<br />
<br />
On the ride to the hospital, I was nervous but by the time I got to triage I was collected and calm. And I stayed that way. It was the most calm I've ever been. I didn't have a birth plan or even an overnight bag with me. I had no expectations or preconceived notions. I did not over-thing or analyze. It was almost a euphoria. I was certainly worried about Lily's well being, knowing what pre-eclampsia can do, but I knew this was it. I was going to have a baby. I felt meant for it. I was in the moment and I was present.<br />
<br />
As the hours passed, the pitocin dripped, the sitcom re-runs with canned laughter played, and the epidural failed, my mood didn't waiver. I had a handle on this labor thing. I was focused on the task at hand and just waited on directives from the medical professionals.<br />
<br />
At almost 4am when the nurse said, "It's time to push! You're ready to go.", I was tired, but I was ready. There were moments in that hour of pushing that I was certain my body would not get through it. My medical condition was wanting the best of me and I was convinced that passing out was in my near future but somehow, I was still calm.<br />
<br />
At 4:45am on May 15, 2009, my baby girl arrived. She was flipped upside down, tore me a new asshole, and wreaked havoc on my body...but she was there. Healthy. Wailing. Pink. Perfect.<br />
<br />
Although the following 10 hours were full of intravenous (legal but should be illegal) drugs, staying in the Critical Care Unit by myself, hourly blood pressure readings and blood draws, I had done it. I created a life and she was healthy and thriving. I was proud. Lonely, being without her, but proud.<br />
<br />
I was over come with emotion when I saw her for only the second time at almost 7pm that evening. I had a baby in my arms. She was mine and she needed me, her mama. It was like I knew her for a lifetime, yet she was a stranger. She made so much sense to me even though this whole experience was so foreign. She made me a mom. She made me stronger than I've ever been. She gave me courage that I didn't know I had...and she was only a few hours old. <br />
<br />
Thank you, Lily Ocean, for teaching me so much. Most importantly, thank you for teaching me how to love. I love learning so much from you. I am one lucky mama.<br />
<br />
Happy 3rd birthday, sweet girl.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-76624940357471699032012-04-10T18:23:00.000-07:002012-04-10T18:23:03.884-07:00Holy shit, my daughter is a comedian.<br />
<br />
A story.<br />
<br />
She's sick. She has a REALLY runny nose, sneezing frequently, low grade fever, chills, cough, the works...but she's a trooper and in a good mood.<br />
<br />
I gave her a really steamy bath complete with the humidifier tonight. She was happily playing, standing up, and she sneezed. With that sneeze came huge snot rockets out of both of her nostrils. You know, the kind that hang past the chin looking like, well, something out of an animated movie.<br />
<br />
Now, in order to appreciate the rest of this story, you have to be familiar with the movie Rio and the character Luiz the English bulldog. In case you have no fecking clue what I'm talking about, watch this clip, most importantly from about :41 to :46...<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/8wH4aU9Lkzs?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br />
Ok, so you noticed where Luiz the dog is drooling and says, "I got youuuu goooooood!!"?<br />
<br />
Back to the bath, my kid leans over with the snot rockets dangling past her chin and says, "I got you gooooood!!", then looks at me and says, "I'm Luiz, mom!! I'm drooling!!".<br />
<br />
Funniest.thing.ever.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-61783851122060157592012-04-08T19:59:00.000-07:002012-04-08T19:59:25.148-07:00Today was a rough day. This week has been rough all around. All because of one simple word: sleep.<br />
<br />
I remember when Lily was a newborn, and maybe even before she was born, I subscribed to the myth that there would be this magical time called "sleeping through the night", as if this is something that babies actually attain. As if after the first night of sleeping through the night that meant that ALL nights would be full of sound sleep for baby, mommy, and daddy (aside from the expected illness here and there). Sure, this might hold true for SOME babies but no one mentioned to me that my baby could be one of the selected ones that would torture herself, and her mama, with horrible sleep patterns for, oh say... years.<br />
<br />
I prepared myself as much as possible for the newborn no-sleep phase. I knew she would wake up every 3-5 hours for the first few weeks/months and that's exactly what she did. I remember her sleeping 6-8 hours a night when she was about 2 months old. "Oh my God", I thought, "here it is, this magical milestone of sleeping through the night!". Clearly she was advanced because all these other babies didn't sleep this kind of stretch for a couple more months into their lives. This was it. The goal was reached. Sleep will now be a part of our lives again. That's all new parents want. Sleep. It has arrived.<br />
<br />
Little did I know that for Lily, that lasted about 3 weeks. Oh, how that stung when I realized it wasn't some magical sleep fairy that waved her magic wand and made my child sleep through the night FOREVER. No, that first taste of sleeping through the night would begin a frustrating pattern, a tease if you will, of a semi-sleepless baby.<br />
<br />
Around 4 months of age her sleep completely regressed. "4 month wakeful" is what people told me, but somehow that turned into 5 month, 6 month, 7 month, etc. wakefuls. We visited my friend Jaime and her family in New Hampshire when Lily was 6 months old. Lily was to sleep in a pack-n-play in their dining room, right next to the living room where we would sleep. Jaime was absolutely shocked at how Lily fought sleep. Her son, then 14 months old, was the complete opposite of Lily in the sleep world. I was so envious.<br />
<br />
It wasn't until 9.5 months (too late, in my opinion) that we went to see Lily's pediatrician, in tears (me, not Lily), begging her for answers to Lily's sleep issues. She was waking up 6-15 times a night, more than once an hour, wanting one of us to come in and comfort her. The pediatrician's answer was simple, "Grab a glass of wine and let her cry it out".<br />
And so we did. And it work. Kind of.<br />
I was only able to stand the crying for 30 minutes, which was usually all it took for her to fall asleep. This method, although controversial, worked for Lily. It gave her much needed rest, and her parent's too.<br />
<br />
So THAT'S when I was sure we achieved it, this sleeping through the night. After letting her cry it out, she started sleeping a normal amount of hours at night. I was certain we have arrived to a better place and I would start gaining some sanity back.<br />
<br />
But no.<br />
That helped, a LOT, but she still threw us for a loop every few weeks, waking in the middle of the night, or waking up really early, ready for the day. It was just unpredictable.<br />
<br />
For about the past year, we got into a pattern of about 10 hours of sleep a night, or rest at least, meaning she at least stays in her bed quietly. Yes, she would still throw in a random night of waking up once or twice because of a bad dream or something, but this pattern seemed to be sticking.<br />
<br />
But no.<br />
This week we changed her crib into a toddler bed, which we expected to be challenged with... and our expectations were dead on. She isn't getting up and roaming around the house like I expected but she is waking up a couple/few times a night crying, saying she's scared, and she is skipping almost all naps, everyday.<br />
<br />
So, here we are, 5 weeks from her third birthday, still battling sleep (as I'm sitting here listening to her on the monitor, at 11pm, still not asleep after being put to bed at 9pm). Throw in the fact that she is so incredibly over tired that she started having her hour long plus meltdowns today, you know, as a Happy Easter to all of us, where she is inconsolable and downright frightening. (Those beauties began about 9 months ago after waking up from naps but were in remission for the past couple of months. Glad to see they came back with a vengeance. :::eyetroll:::)<br />
<br />
Am I complaining? You're Goddamn right, I am. Lack of sleep=mentally unstable in my world and I am fucking tired.<br />
<br />
But more than just complaining, I am sending out a warning, my friends: Babies may NEVER sleep through the night consistently. Do not set yourself up for failure and expect it. Just adopt the notion that sleeping through the night is for childless couples.<br />
<br />
Oh, and the terrible twos are not half as terrible as the torturous threes, from what I can see so far.<br />
<br />
Don't say I didn't warn you.<br />
<br />
DIsclaimer: this post was written 4 days before my period is due. Nuff said.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-17719151057064028332012-03-28T19:44:00.000-07:002012-03-28T19:44:10.051-07:00As Lily ran into my office dressed in her Halloween costume of a bumble bee, sans clothes, just a tutu, wings, and antennae, I looked at my mom and said, "I NEED to start blogging about all of these little moments before I forget them".<br />
<br />
Here she is, 3 going on 10 at times, and I am striving to just soak it all in. I know, I say that often, but at this age she is just so full of fun, and innocent, and happy, and joy. Please, time, stand still.<br />
<br />
A story and some random thoughts.<br />
So, this first one is not so full of fun, joy or happy, but it's pretty funny.<br />
<br />
One day last week, she decided to skip a nap. It was a work day for me and I had sent my childcare home before her nap time, assuming she would do her usual 1.5-2 hour nap and I could finish my work then. Well, the best laid plans...So, I told her to pick out a movie and lay on the couch for some "quiet time". She obliged, picked out "Rio", sat quietly and watched her movie while I worked on my lap top next to her.<br />
About an hour into he movie, she got a little restless, as she does with movies, and played quietly in the living room with random toys she brought over. At one point, she went into my bathroom, brought out a bag of cotton balls out and said, "Can I play wit these, mama?". Sure.<br />
So, she continues playing. I was marveling at her, thinking, "wow, she's such a good girl. She's entertaining herself right now. Man, I'm lucky".<br />
Immediately following that thought, I look up to see her squeezing some cotton balls, saying, "Mama, look. I making dough like Bop Bop". "Awww, good job, pumpkin" I reply.<br />
She then stands up, takes a step and slips and falls on the tile. I notice the floor is wet. I look around and notice her portable Elmo potty is a few feet away...full if cotton balls...and pee. Sigh. She was soaking the cotton balls in pee and squeezing them everywhere. You know, making "dough".<br />
<br />
I was SO angry because OMG the mess. I immediately raised my voice, yelling, "LILY, OH MY GOD! THAT'S PEE!!! YOU DON'T PLAY IN PEE. WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION ALREADY!", yes we had a similar episode the week prior, "OH MY GOD, LILY!". Pee was everywhere.<br />
It was actually one of those motherhood moments that I was not proud of because, truth be told, I was mad at myself. What mother leaves pee in a toddler potty for over an hour? Me. What mother doesn't watch her child close enough to realize that there is URINE being squeezed all over the flipping living room? Me. Yet, I took it out on her, to the point of her jumping on the couch, throwing her blanket over her head with her "baby" in her arms, telling her "baby", "it's ok, baby. It's ok. It's gunna be ok, baby"...Oh.my.God. That's when I died.<br />
She was afraid of me. She's so sensitive and I was yelling. She was scared. Of course, I ran over and comforted her, apologizing for yelling.<br />
Then, I looked around the room, filled with 85 yellow-tinted cotton balls thrown everywhere, and I laughed. This was not a big deal. This was funny. This is easily cleanable. This was her learning.<br />
That will be a good story for the teenage years.<br />
~~~<br />
<br />
She's suddenly into dressing up. As in, within the last 3 days. Today, aside from the bumblebee Halloween costume, she also put on the flower girl dress she wore in a wedding a few months ago, complete with pirate accessories.<br />
This is coinciding with a lot of pretend play...but should I be concerned that she couldn't care less about baby dolls or nurturing anything? The apple does not fall far, my friends.<br />
<br />
~~~<br />
<br />
She loves googles and "beyockuners" (binoculars).<br />
She loves playing in the dirt.<br />
She loves swimming.<br />
She loves her gymnastics class.<br />
She loves this random little teenage girl named Courtney.<br />
She loves her Auntie Cole and Ty.<br />
She loves the "playground wit the fire truck".<br />
She's in the "I want" phase when we go to the store.<br />
She wants a toddler bed but daddy and I are afraid to make the transition because, for the love of God, we just started sleeping through the night less than a year ago.<br />
She is considerate.<br />
She talks to herself sometimes.<br />
She loves to fart in the bathtub and thinks it's hilarious.<br />
For her third birthday, she wants a Mickey Party, an Up party, a Rio party, a Curious George party, amongst others.<br />
<br />
<br />
Ah, I know there are so many more little moments I'm forgetting to mention but at least there is a snapshot of my almost-three-year-old.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-41424711994558094312012-02-24T18:40:00.000-08:002012-02-24T18:40:03.401-08:00Dear Lily,<br />
<br />
I haven't written to you in quite some time. It isn't because I don't have anything to say, it's definitely the opposite. I have so much to say that I can't even organize my thoughts. So much to say because you are just so brilliant and I want to capture who you are, in every moment, day in and day out.<br />
<br />
You're going to be three in just three months. 3. I have to repeat this number in my head a couple times a day, preparing for this to be reality. You are getting so far away from that baby that I held in my arms that needed every ounce of my attention and turning into this gorgeous, funny, intelligent, spirited, passionate little girl. One that I am so proud of.<br />
<br />
I have already started thinking about your third birthday, (because that's what your mama does, she over plans). You had said you wanted the party to have a theme of your favorite movie, "Up", but you have now changed it to "Curious George". It's simply amazing to me that you now have the cognitive skills to make decisions like this. You know what you want, in many facets on your little world, and you are adamant about achieving your goals. God, I pray this stays with you- that you always have such passion.<br />
<br />
But before you turn three, you will start gymnastics in less than two weeks. You're so excited about this. You practice on mama's bed by doing somersaults and also on bop bop's couch cushions by using them as a trampoline. You just have such <i>passion and spirit</i>. I just love it.<br />
<br />
Your passion leaks out in some negative ways, in the form of tantrums and fits of frustration, but dad and I are doing our very best to embrace it and know that this too shall pass. You're just learning and exploring so many new emotions, of course you can't be expected to articulate it all at your age.<br />
<br />
But you are truly such a good girl... You love to help, as you show me when you bring my phone to me when it's ringing, without me asking for it. You love to tell stories, as you share with me when you and daddy go to the park and "go down the biggest slide". You love to teach, as you reprimand Ty to "sit down in the bath tub" when he comes over to share an evening with you. You love to learn, as you always ask, "What's that mean?" or "What's that do?", when something is unfamiliar. You are generous, as you will share your cookie with me. You are compassionate, as you show by asking, "You ok, mama?", if I sneeze or bump my knee.<br />
<br />
I am just smitten with you. Our bond has grown even stronger since I've gotten to know who you are. You give me more joy than I ever imagined was available in life.<br />
<br />
So, Lily girl. As you head into a new year of your life, just know your mama is doing her best to soak you in. Know that I'm look forward to every day with you. Know that I am holding on to each morning that you run into my room at 7am every day, so excited to snuggle with me for 30 minutes. I know these mornings will fly by and soon you will be so much more independent than you already are. Know that I am already so, so proud of you. Know that you are teaching me so much and I love you more each day.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Your mamaVanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-3434293110316476292012-01-18T19:14:00.000-08:002012-01-22T19:23:29.552-08:00I wish I had the energy for witty, heartfelt posts. I just don't have it in me these days. <br />
<br />
Life is hard right now. Well, life is hard always but right now my world is harder than usual. Nothing to do with Lily, really, aside from the fact that she is almost 3 and can be extremely difficult, but she is the easy part of life right now. All I can say is that I am thankful for my family and (most of) my health. Life's twist and turns are just a little... Turbulent right now. <br />
<br />
Because I want to remember where we are, here are some Lilyisms:<br />
- she loves, loves, loves technology. My parents bought her an iPad for Christmas and she is an addict. I'm not kidding. She wakes up talking about it. "mommy, I want my iPad". At 7am. She's just so great at navigating gadgets, too. It's amazing. She's so smart.<br />
- she misses school some days, but mommy doesn't. She has been healthy (knocks on wood) and I am just enjoying keeping her a "baby" while I can. Her days will be filled with school 5 days a week soon enough. For now, she is mine and I am liking keeping her home.<br />
- she has complete conversations. It's been this way for a couple months but now she truly processes and uses words and phrases correctly, not just from memorization. <br />
- a funny story relating to the last ism: a couple weeks ago, we were getting ready to leave the house. I put a diaper on the couch so I could change her before we left and went into my room to get my shoes. When I came out of my room, Lily was getting up from a kneeling position off of the floor. She was mumbling something under her breath. "What are you saying, baby?", I asked. "You'll never find it nowwwwwwww", she repeated. I had no idea what she was talking about, until I went to look for the diaper I had just brought out. She hid the diaper under the couch. Like Swiper from Dora the Explorer. She has watched Dora enough now to completely grasp the concept of what Swiper, the fox that steals things but always learns his lesson, does. She was laughing so hard at herself for doing this. It was really funny. <br />
- this kid loves her space. She will cuddle and hug when she wants to, but don't push her. <br />
- she loves tantrum throwing, too. It's usually about every other day that we're convinced that the devil had taken control and that's her head will spin around. They usually come right after nap time and will last about 30-60 minutes. The other night it was triggered because I took one of HER pretzels off of her snack plate. Screamed. For 35 minutes. Even went into my parent's upstairs bedroom, in the dark, by herself and would not allow anyone in the room without screaming "NOOOOOOO!!!!!! GOOOOO AWAYYYYYYYYY!!!!". It's a lot of fun. <br />
- there isn't any sign of any additional girly-ness emerging. She doesn't like baby dolls, princess crap, or anything down that Barbie isle at Target, which we run right past to get to the Cars and Toy Story isles. <br />
- she loves playgrounds. Loves. Slides are the best.<br />
- potty training is a no go. She may be shitting in her pants in middle school at this rate. She understands the concept, will sit on the potty, pretend to go, wipe, pretend to flush....and then ask for her diaper to be put back on so she can take a dump. Yep, she will hold it until that diaper is put back on. It might be a long road with this.<br />
<br />
That's all I have for tonight. I am really wanting to freeze time with her right now. I don't want her to grow up. I can see my baby becoming a kid. It's too much, too soon.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-18634877664999081142011-12-23T11:58:00.000-08:002011-12-23T11:58:05.040-08:00This is where I talk about bullying.<br />
<br />
It's December 23rd. You would think I would have some gushing post about how magical the holidays are now that my kid is (almost) old enough to embrace the full excitement, the magic, Santa, and just the whole aura. Well, not today, my friends. I want to talk about bullying and how I'll be damned if my kid isn't going to learn to stand up for herself. If you want holiday joy, please proceed to Kelle Hampton's blog.<br />
<br />
So, here is my first mellow dramatic experience with witnessing my kid being bullied....<br />
<br />
Lily is shy and shows a bit of anxiety in new, social situations (you think she got my genes on that one?). Now that she isn't in school (for now. financial woes.), socializing her is a bit of a challenge because we're just so busy and getting her to play groups is difficult. One on one play for her is typically fine. We have our friend's little boy, Ty, who she loves, and my parent's next door neighbor's little boy, Josiah, and Ryleigh, who she adores. She's pretty ok one on one. Group play is just different for her.<br />
<br />
So, yesterday, Dustin and I took her up to our community's little playground. It's really tiny and made for toddlers, and since it's Christmas break there were a lot of kids there. Ok, maybe not a lot. There were like six kids there, but more than usual. All of the kids were older than her. I decided to just back up away from the immediate play area and observe so Lily could socialize.<br />
<br />
Lily was immediately interested in two little girls that didn't look too much older than her. (I later found out that they were ages 3 and 5 from the babysitter sitting on the bench.) Lily doesn't have a direct approach when trying to interact with other kids. She talks quietly, stares a lot, and just kind of observes. When she's comfortable enough, she will say something that she identifies with. For example, after observing the girls for a few minutes, Lily noticed one of the girls was wearing a shirt with Cinderella on it, so, Lily said, "Hey! You have Cinderella on your shirt! I like Cinderella". <br />
<br />
The girls just stared at her for a bit and then the older girl said, "<i>WE </i>don't talk to <i>strangers</i>", very rudely.<br />
<br />
How nice. Their parents taught them how to be assholes to strange little kids. That lesson seemed to backfire, in my opinion...but, ok, I can see that a stranger is a stranger and if that's what they were taught, so be it.<br />
<br />
But Lily still wanted their attention. So, she just kind of followed them around. I would see them having little mini conversations, which were out of my earshot, but they were not really welcoming Lily into their little world.<br />
I noticed that the girls just seemed to be ganging up on her. Every time Lily was going down the slide, one of them would either cut in front of her or walk up the slide so Lily couldn't slide down. Or, if she was trying to walk up the stairs one of them would push past her. This didn't seem to disrupt Lily's vigilance for their attention though.<br />
<br />
Then.<br />
It happened.<br />
<br />
The girls were standing on a a little landing after the first two stairs that led to the slide. Lily went to put her foot on the first stair to join them on the landing. The younger of the two, (remember, she's only 3), stepped onto the second stair and shoved Lily, hard, in the chest, basically pushing her back down to ground level.<br />
<br />
Oh, hello, mama bear instinct.<br />
<br />
I had already had a level of frustration with these girls because of how they were treating Lily but now?? Now, I'm pissed.<br />
<br />
With having absolutely no earthly idea on how to handle this, and still remain rational, I stomped over to the girls, glaring over in the direction of the babysitter who was 100% preoccupied with her telephone conversation, I crouch down to this little girl's level and said, "excuse me, why did you just push her? Pushing is not a nice thing to do. Lily was trying to play with you!".<br />
<br />
The little girl responded my just putting on her best pouty face, burying her head, and saying nothing. Her older sister just laughed and ran over by the babysitter. The remaining four kids on the playground, who were significantly older, stopped to watch the scene, proud that they weren't the ones in trouble.<br />
<br />
It's too bad that spanking someone elses child is frowned upon. It crossed my mind, I swear it did. I think that's more acceptable than spanking your own child sometimes. <br />
<br />
A mom who overheard the commotion, who was laying by the pool a few feet away, popped out of her chair, just to make sure it wasn't her kid I was reprimanding. She smiled at me warmly, as if to say, "I've been there and it will only get worse".<br />
<br />
Sadly, I know it will only get worse. Much worse. I've been there. For three years in middle school, I was there. Bullied everyday, so much so that I begged, pleaded, and cried to stay home from school every.single.day.<br />
<br />
Maybe I am being overly sensitive. Maybe others wouldn't even consider this bullying. Perhaps this- shoving and ganging up- is just a part of kids being kids and learning their independence, finding out how others interact. But, I have to say, this situation crushed my heart for Lily. She just looked so sad that these girls were being so mean. Tears are stinging my eyes as I type this because this is the sort of hurt that every mother wants to shield their child from. It's unnecessary, really. Pain and hurt are a part of life, sure, but bullying at the age of 3 and 5, or any age, is completely unacceptable.<br />
<br />
All I can hope is that she has a solid backbone from a young age, learns that it's just not ok, and even fights back if she has to. I hope she has the self esteem to rise above it. I never knew how to handle my bullies and it was such a lonely time for me.<br />
<br />
Stand your ground, baby girl. This world can be a cruel place. I wish I could always be there to protect you.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-76623349147296990522011-11-20T11:42:00.000-08:002011-11-20T11:42:17.869-08:00<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I've had this post rolling around in my head for a few days. Is it weird that I write blog posts in my head on most days and then promptly forget them, only ending up writing once or twice a month? ::sigh:: I need more hours in the day.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I am a homebody. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Surprised? If you know me, probably not. I love being home. More so than that, I love being home with my kid. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I have always been a homebody. I was outgoing and very social in middle and high school but I never minded staying home, watching movies with friends or my then boyfriend. Those were some of the best memories, actually.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I can remember being in college, going out until all hours of the morning, "clubbing", going to "Raves" (mid 90's= Ecstasy days. I did not partake but it was really funny to watch), and I would LOVE the feeling of going home to my cozy little apartment alone. I was never sad that the fun was over or that I was by myself. I just loved that comfort zone of home. My parents' house always represented "home" to me after I moved out, too. I was always just as comfortable there as my own home. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Throughout my 20s, I lived a lot of places, for many different reasons, exploring what life was about, but still, I always had that love for being home...even in my 200 square foot, roach infested studio that Bear and I lived in for 6 months. I was always really great at being comfortable at home, no matter where that was.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Since Lily has been around, I have become a homebody times a million. In the newborn and infant stages, it was because it was simply too much of a pain in the ass to go out all day. Sure, we ran a lot of errands, did a lot of shopping, I needed to get out for my sanity, but to leave the house more than once in a day was rare. There was too much shit to tow and too many variables for this nervous new mama.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Now, in the toddler years, she's much more flexible and easy to tote around, we do spend a lot more time out and about...but, like her mama, Lily loves her home. Some of my favorite days are those like yesterday where we didn't leave the house until almost 5pm. We watched movies, painted, played with every toy, walked outside, jumped on the bed...we just did homey stuff. This isn't to say that we don't love visitors or that we don't like going places, we just tend to be super comfortable here at home. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">What's strange to me is that now when I'm home alone, when Lily is at school or her grandparent's house for a visit, it doesn't feel like home simply because she's not here. Home for me has always just been where I am, where I've made it comfortable, or where my family is.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">But now....it's where Lily is. She is only 2 and I am already dreading the "empty nest".</div>Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-16873884801654397672011-10-17T19:19:00.000-07:002011-10-17T19:19:24.288-07:00I definitely have more to say than just a once-a-month post but, holy shit, life needs to slow down.<br />
<br />
A lot of what is going on with my life cannot be discussed over the interwebs because it's job related but I sure do need this outlet more than ever. A friend suggested carrying a notebook with me to get some thoughts out on paper during the day and I definitely need to do that. It's good for the soul to get negative thoughts out.<br />
<br />
Anyway. My motherhood story of the week...<br />
<br />
On Saturday, I went to Target (surprise, surprise). I was childless, just running in to get a few things. It was busy because it was a cloudy day and a cloudy day in Florida is equal to a temperature of 7 degrees up north. People get all mopey and bored, using retail therapy to self soothe. Ridiculous, sure, but very true.<br />
<br />
I was making my way up to the cash registers and I notice a young mom in front of me with a cart full of items. She had a toddler in her cart, maybe close to 2 years old, and an elementary school aged boy, maybe 6 or 7. The mom was well composed, maybe a little too much so, wearing a super cute outfit, full make-up and flawless hair. Point being, her appearance, as well as her kids' appearance and behavior, seemed that of appropriate adjustment and left me no reason to think she was a bad mother.<br />
<br />
A few feet away from the cash register lanes, her toddler decided to have an epic meltdown. Epic. Huge. Meltdown. I couldn't decide exactly what set him off but it was a typical toddler tantrum. It had something to do with his Spiderman Halloween costume and possibly not being able to put it on right then and there. I heard the mom appropriately say, "Shhhh. Calm down", and all sorts of other soothing, pleading phrases, that had an underlying meaning of "Please shut the fuck up, kid, because you are making me one of <i>those </i>moms". The kid didn't care. He was full on screaming, angry at the world, ready to rip off his own limbs in a fit of rage, mad. The mom looked embarrassed, tried to soothe him by picking him up and distracting him, to no avail, so she did like most modern moms would do and ignore him.<br />
<br />
As she and I settled into different register lines, right next to one another, while the kid is still screaming, I instantly felt compassion and sympathy for the mom. I had that sinking feeling in my stomach for her. The one where you KNOW you are being judged and silently ridiculed by everyone around....only this time, people weren't so silent.<br />
<br />
There were two old ladies, meaning over the age of 70, behind me in my register line and they immediately began to verbalize their disapproval for this young mom's parenting skills, cackling something along the lines of, "She should not have brought that child out in a crabby mood like that!", and, "Why do mom's these days think it's ok to just ignore that kind of behavior? She's not even doing anything to stop him".<br />
<br />
Overhearing these comments prompted my (also old lady-ish) cashier to say to me, as she's ringing up my purchases, "My. Things aren't like they used to be. In my day, we would have left our cart and taken that kid outside for a few minutes and set him straight", insinuating that some sort of physical discipline would ensue "outside" and only when the kid shuts up would they return to the store to continue shopping in a more appropriate manner.<br />
<br />
All of these opinionated remarks, along with all of the disgusting glares this poor girl was getting thrown in her direction, were making my blood boil for her and for every mom with a toddler.<br />
So, I said so.<br />
<br />
"Maybe it's possible that you ladies don't remember what it's like to have a 2 or 3 year old. I've been there and it's not easy to correct that type of behavior, especially when you're by yourself without another adult, and especially when giving the behavior attention can sometimes make it worse."<br />
<br />
Well. That was a mistake because clearly, beating your children made a lot more sense to these women. They fired back other "You don't know how to parent either" type of comments.<br />
<br />
I gave up on the argument but I just found it surprising how women criticize one another, especially moms, instead of empathizing when they've been <i>there</i>. There, with that tantruming toddler, or any other motherhood situation.<br />
I could easily go into a whole philosophical rant about women need to stop judging one another and how giving a mom in this situation an empathetic smile, or even brief words of encouragement, could make her day, but I won't.<br />
<br />
All I'll say is this: Stop being so mean. Be nice. Everyone is traveling their own tough path. Assume she is doing the best she can and smile with encouragement. It's just the right thing to do.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-7295074018065769432011-09-13T12:35:00.000-07:002011-09-13T16:48:44.887-07:00Let's talk about viruses, my need for control, anxiety, and having a kid. Yes, they are all related. In my world.<br />
<br />
First, anxiety.<br />
I am an anxious, somewhat neurotic person, in general. Not all of the time, not even everyday, but just in general. I have been my whole life. I can remember being in third grade suffering from horrible separation anxiety. I would fake sick often and sit in the clinic crying to go home. Magically, when my mom appeared, everything was fine and we would be on our way to Taco Bell for a Taco Bell Grande with sour cream. I loved one on one attention from my parents and didn't adjust well to group situations with other children. I remember needing to be picked up from a couple of sleep overs. It just wasn't my thing. I liked adults, my own space, and quiet (not much has changed at the age of 35, now that I think of it).<br />
Did my mom enable my neurosis by conceding to picking me up from school and sleepovers? Possibly, but I would, and will, probably do the same thing with Lily. We all fuck up our kids somehow. It's a fact. And it's ok.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I grew out of this phase and middle school and high school were relatively anxiety free for me. I was social, had a ton of friends my own age, and was pretty well balanced.<br />
<br />
I started having panic attacks right before I left for Florida State, after finishing community college. I had no idea they were panic attacks at the time. All I knew is that I felt terribly on edge and nauseated for about 10-15 minutes at a time and it would come and go. I was anxious. I don't know why or what it was truly about, but it was there.<br />
Throughout my 20's and 30's, this pattern continued. I will be fine for a couple/few years and then my anxiety will surface again, usually surrounding a major change in my life...or an illness, even a simple virus, like the stomach flu. Weird? Yes, I know.<br />
<br />
An interesting side note here is that pregnancy and the first year of Lily's life were completely anxiety free for me. This is the opposite for many women who suffer with anxiety but I truly felt emotionally fantastic during those times. Perhaps it was just having another focus, aside from living in my own head? Probably.<br />
I digress.<br />
<br />
Enter viruses and need for control, or hating having a lack of control.<br />
I am a control freak. I like to know what's going to happen and when, as unrealistic as that is. I like to have a plan, in most situations, and stick to it. I hate the anticipation of the unknown. This is why I have suffered with anxiety. Control is a very difficult thing to give up for me, even in the example of driving: I need to drive whenever I go somewhere with a group, or drinking alcohol: I hate it because I feel out of control when I'm "buzzed" and God forbid, drunk.<br />
<br />
When a virus of any kind interrupts my life, I sometimes freak out. I can deal with an every day cold, or even a minor flu with a fever, as long as I can function...but vomiting?? Nope. Cannot deal.<br />
<br />
Because I am so analytical and tend to over think, I have figured out why I have an irrational fear and loathing for vomiting illnesses: because you can't control it. On top of being a horrible feeling and disgusting to boot, it's unstoppable, unpredictable, uncontrollable, and has the potential to be embarrassing. (I realize how crazy this sounds and I swear I'm getting to a point of some sort). <br />
<br />
Now, knowing this about me, imagine my dismay when my kid started getting sick once a month, with a variety of viruses, resulting from being in daycare. Daycare is nothing more than a petri dish full of germs waiting to pounce. Kids are gross and there is very little anyone can do about it. Roseola, bronchitis, pneumonia, stomach flu...you name it. This is a whole different level of anxiety for me. When it's a virus in <i>my body</i>, it's me. I know about my body and how to manage it. When it's Lily, this little love bug who I cannot stand to be in any kind of discomfort, it's so, so different.<br />
<br />
I used to think, pre-Lily, "Hey, kids get sick and then they get better. It's life!". That was very naive. The statement in it of itself is very true but it was naive of me to think that it's that simple. The amount of worry and anxiety I feel when Lily is sick is like nothing I've ever experienced. I fear the next virus and what the severity of it is going to be. I hate looking into her big green eyes, see that familiar sickly glassiness and not be able to anticipate when or how she is going to feel better.<br />
<br />
I'm getting better with all of this, though. Colds and bronchial viruses are getting a little better for me to handle and I've learned quickly how to soothe this for her. She's on her billionth virus right now, as I type, and I have managed to remain calm.<br />
I still hate vomiting, whether it's her or me. It makes me crazy. I'm hoping I get over this one day.<br />
<br />
So, getting to my point?<br />
If you're reading this and you're at all like me, only without a child....somehow, learn how to let go. Go with the flow. Your kid will get sick, but they <b>will</b> get better. Accept this somehow and find a zen. Your workplace will understand. You will not get fired. Your child will be ok in a couple of days. Life will be back to normal in a couple of days.<br />
I will, someday, learn how to take my own advice.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-36876972821196217352011-09-09T14:08:00.000-07:002011-09-09T14:08:32.878-07:00I am absolutely loving having conversations with my daughter.<br />
<br />
From today:<br />
(She was napping for 3.5 hours, which she has never done in her little life. She started getting some cold symptoms yesterday so I figured it was draining her energy. At almost 5pm, I went in her room and touched her head)<br />
Lily: Mommy? Time to get up??<br />
Me: Well, baby, you don't have to but you've been sleeping a long time.<br />
Lily: Mommy, I sleep long time 'cuz I don't feel good. ::She stands up::: I feel better now!!!<br />
Me: That's good baby. Sleep is good.<br />
Lily: Sleep make me better, mommy. I don't feel good but then I feel better.<br />
<br />
This might read as absolutely trivial but I'm telling you these were the days I was waiting for as a mom: communication. I love it. Sometimes she still doesn't make a ton of sense and she gets so many words mixed up but at the end of the day, it's all perfect to me.<br />
<br />
Just like the other night, I decided to take a bath with her in my big bathtub. I hadn't done that in awhile and I thought it would be fun since she's into mimicking everything I do. I took the opportunity to try to teach her how to wash her hair, etc.<br />
The whole time we were in there she just chatted up a storm, asking to "use mommy's soap", "wash mommy's hair" and just talking mini paragraphs at a time. This is so fun for me. (She also though it was hilarious that my boobs floated. That's a whole other story though.)<br />
<br />
Tantrums aside, I love this age.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-47359806734653314152011-08-20T10:45:00.000-07:002011-08-20T10:51:44.072-07:00I had a very interesting moment yesterday.<br />
<br />
It was "meet the teacher" open house at Lily's preschool. It occurred to me as we were driving there that I will be doing this for about the next 16 years. A tradition of sorts, along with school supply shopping (which I LOVED as a kid. There was nothing like a new Trapper Keeper with crisp new folders), and eventually there will be school clothes shopping. It felt strange to me that we are beginning this tradition so soon. She's 2, not 5. It made me feel almost guilty as though I am rushing her into being a grown up kid already.<br />
<br />
But that wasn't the moment I'm talking about, exactly.<br />
<br />
When we arrived at her school, it was abuzz with parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers, etc. Smiling faces everywhere and a lot of "getting to know you" talk throughout the hallways. We walked into her new classroom, twice the size of last year's class, adorned with so many toys and things to distract even the shiest of kids away from their parents.<br />
<br />
We met "Miss Liz", as Lily clung to my hip, clutching my shirt, barely whispering a "hello" to Liz. "She's so shy", I say. I question myself after I said it because I almost sounded...smug. As in, "Heh, she NEEEEEEDSSS me". I surprised myself because usually I'm a bit embarrassed by Lily's shyness and I <i>want </i>her to interact and show some independence. But in this moment, it felt amazing to be needed.<br />
<br />
Then, all of the sudden, Lily turns her head and sees a HUGE play kitchen with boxes full of play food.<br />
<br />
"MOMMY, MOMMY, LOOOOOK!!!", as she squirms to get out of my arms. I put her down and she trots over to the "kitchen" area, about 10 feet away from me. I immediately follow her, get down on my knees and start to play with her. I then looked around and noticed that we are the only ones not interacting with the others. Story of my life. I have always leaned towards anti-social, especially with unfamiliar people. "Nope. I can't do this to her", I think to myself.<br />
<br />
Reluctantly, I get up and force myself to move back across the room to introduce myself to some of these other moms and chat with the teacher.<br />
<br />
"I'll be right over here, Lily". She barely gives me a glance.<br />
<br />
Very few of these women are overly friendly and don't seem interested in conversation with me (see? Anti-social.), so I walk over to the snack and milk sign up sheets, even further away from Lily, near the exit door. I notice Lily is keeping her eye on me but not overly concerned. She looked up after a few minutes and said, "Bye, mommy! Check ya later, dude! (something her dad taught her)". She thought I was leaving her for her regular school day.<br />
<br />
This was my interesting moment.<br />
<br />
I suddenly wanted to cry. For a lot of reasons. I realized, right there in this moment, she will not need me for much longer like she does now. She's already gained so much independence in 2 short years. This time is going too fast. She won't be cute and little for long. She will be going to Kindergarten soon. She will be a teenager after that and omg I cannot handle the thought of talking about birth control, drugs, and having the "I FUCKING HATE YOUs" yelled in my direction. THIS IS ALL JUST HAPPENING TOO FAST!!!<br />
<br />
Yep, all of that went through my mind.<br />
<br />
And since that moment yesterday, I have paid extra attention to every little sweet, and not so sweet, nuance about Lily. I have taken several mental pictures and notes. I have tried to just be in the moment, which is not a skill that I've perfected but I am diligently trying.<br />
<br />
When she was a newborn, I couldn't wait for this age of more interaction, language, and independence. Now I want time to freeze. Right now. Let me just soak all of this in and never let myself forget what she's like at this age.<br />
<br />
When it was time to leave school and we had neared outstayed our welcome, I went to pick Lily up and said, "Time to go, baby. Let's go to Target", and she says, "No, mommy. I wanna play here!". My heart sank a little more.<br />
So, like any good parent would do, I bribed her and told her that there is a Curious George waiting for her at Target. Is that considered "spoiling"??? Don't answer that.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-27540343029685599372011-07-23T12:48:00.000-07:002011-07-23T12:48:30.912-07:00I think it's funny when my kid curses. I do. So shoot me. It's freakin hilarious and I'm sticking to that.<br />
She hasn't done it too much, so relax. Maybe three times. The funniest time being when she dropped the f-bomb in the grocery store, over and over, because she heard me say it in the car as an old man pulled out in front of me. She has also exercised the word "shit" with the proper usage, and "damn".<br />
I'm not saying I'm <i>proud</i> of this. I just find it slightly funny for some reason.<br />
<br />
Lily is just funny in general these days. Aside from the epic tantrums, she has one heck of a funny personality.<br />
Examples:<br />
- Because I'm a worrier, I have a tendency of saying, "Baby, are you doin ok?" a lot. So, of course, Lily has picked up, "Mama, you ok?", complete with concerned look and hand on the shoulder.<br />
- Because Lily is sick often, my mom and I both "check" her for a fever by cupping her face in our hands and feeling her forehead (ineffective, yes, I know). So, of course, Lily has now done the same with us, complete with, "Mama, you feel hot".<br />
- One of her favorite sayings is, "Awww, maaaannnnn", when she drops something or can't find what she's looking for.<br />
- She also loves, "Check ya later, dude", thanks to her daddy.<br />
- For some reason she associates the word "crabby" with having a belly ache. I can only attribute this to the fact that when she's in one of her fits and I ask her "Are you crabby?" that maybe she has a stomach ache?? I'm not sure, since she doesn't know how to communicate these things to me all of the time yet. Anyway, she'll come up to me, put her hand on my stomach, randomly, and say, "Mommy, you crabby??".<br />
- She calls Dustin and I by our first names sometimes. She can say Dustin pretty clearly but my name is "Bee-yes-a". She pulls this card when she thinks we aren't listening to her. Such as, "Mama, I want M&Ms", and I reply, "No, baby. Not until after you eat dinner". She'll say, "BEE-YES-A, I want M&Ms", as if I didn't understand or hear her the first time.<br />
- She has this little manipulation thing that she does where she'll ask for something and then say "OK!" in answer to herself. For example, "Mommy, wanna get some cape (cake)??", and then right before I say something she'll say, "OK!!!", as though she's answering her own question, running into the direction she needs to go to get what she wants. <br />
<br />
Other random things about Lily at 26 months:<br />
- She loves the word "no" and uses it as much as possible, even if she really means "yes". She also loves, "NO WAY, MOM", or "Go away!" when she wants to either be all alone or be alone with someone else in the room. Hurtful, for sure, but shows some independence, I suppose. <br />
- She loves school now. She's had a new teacher since summer began, Mallory, who she ADORES. She talks about her all of the time.<br />
- She has very little separation anxiety from anyone. She's great when I drop her off somewhere, like my parent's house or my in-laws, and just says, "Bye, mommy! See ya later!!". This is bitter sweet for me but I know it's ultimately a good thing.<br />
- I bought her a play kitchen about a month ago and she loves it. She loves making us "coffee" and "pizza".<br />
- She has zero interest in giving up her paci, going potty on the potty, or moving to a big girl bed. We're working on the first two, little by little, but I can tell this might be a long road. I feel as though I am going to be one of those parents that I used to judge that has a 3 year old in diapers with a paci hanging out of their mouth. At least the paci is now reserved for the house or the car only now.<br />
- She is very sensitive and will apologize if she thinks she's physically hurt someone. She also says "thank you" to everyone, including our cashiers at stores.<br />
- She's a homebody. She isn't a big fan of being out and about lately. She'll tolerate it for a couple hours but will constantly remind us that it's "time to go home". I'm hoping this changes a bit.<br />
- Sleeping is a challenge again...or still, depending on how I look at it.<br />
- She loves to sing along to songs, especially Katy Perry's "Alien" and Enrique Igliesias' "I Like It". I love it.<br />
<br />
She's developing so quickly. She's about 29lbs now and really tall. Her red hair is growing quickly now and all kinds of crazy curly/frizzy. She's a lot of fun to be around, most of the time, and seems to be so smart.<br />
I feel myself losing my "baby" everyday, which makes me sad, but I'm so excited to see who she will grow into.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-81376581816291222022011-07-20T09:58:00.000-07:002011-07-20T09:58:38.721-07:00I was all set to sit down and write an awesomely funny post about Lily-isms since it's technically nap time, but I just heard, "MOMMY. MOMMY. Time to get up??", after only sleeping for 25 minutes.<br />
<br />
::sigh::<br />
<br />
It's never a dull moment. One thing about motherhood that you can be certain about is the uncertainty.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-50624050232601943522011-07-05T06:43:00.000-07:002011-07-05T06:43:12.562-07:00I've been at a loss for posts. It isn't necessarily because I don't have anything to post about, it's because I don't <i>always</i> want to be negative and to be honest, I haven't had a lot of nice things to say about motherhood lately.<br />
That sounds bad, right?<br />
I will say that 2 is a fun age in many ways. The development of language and emotion is sweet, adorable, intriguing, and whatever other positive adjective you want to insert. Lily is the funniest person I know and she can be so adoring and sweet...but, it isn't called "terrible twos" for nothing.<br />
Lily has regressed on sleep habits, waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes often, and taking nothing but short cat naps. Combine that with epic tantrums and you have yourself one tired, annoyed, stressed out mama. I realize I'm not alone and I'm certainly not claiming that I have it worse than any other mom, but I will admit that I'm at a loss on how to deal with the terrible twos.<br />
I'm doing the best I can to roll with the punches. Live for the cute little nuances. Keep myself calm. Breathe through the challenges. Remind myself that this will pass. Utilize my family and take breaks. But some days all of these things combined just aren't enough to keep me feeling sane.<br />
I struggle with the guilt of feeling frustrated. I feel horrible when I snap at Lily during her meltdown because I logically know that SHE is frustrated and just learning how to deal with HER emotions. I am the adult. I should be able to hold this together for her. But it's frustrating and sometimes infuriating.<br />
I am going to look into some books theorized on the terrible twos and try to exercise some of the techniques, because let's face it, I'm kind of at my wits end here and we have at least another year of this!<br />
<br />
I promise I'll have something happier to share. I just tend to need to write when things are, well, difficult. That's what I need this outlet for- venting. It soothes me a bit and allows me to not live in my own head so much.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-40227632148681295662011-06-07T13:49:00.000-07:002011-06-08T15:27:17.068-07:00I hesitated on writing this post due to the risk of offending, but screw it. It's my blog.<br />
I'm just going to throw this out there-<br />
Will someone please tell <a href="http://www.kellehampton.com/">Kelle Hampton</a> that it's ok to have a bad day and that life isn't full of rainbows, unicorns and fairy dust everyday? Please?? Am I just cynical? I'm all for being a "positive outlook" type of person and finding/creating happiness in most situations, but for the love of plastic Jesus, is life really as simple as Kelle makes it out to be? I'll answer that: NO, it isn't...unless there is some fabulous, magical medication that I'm unaware of.<br />
<br />
I have been following Kelle since I read her <a href="http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html">birth story in January 2010</a>. I fell in love with her writing, her story of birthing a special needs child, and her pictures. I think the whole universe has read her birth story. That story was powerful and honest, tear jerking and heart wrenching. She has been featured in magazines, countless other blogs, CNN, and God only knows where else. Her story seemed to touch the world and really bring some reality to many of us who birthed healthy children. <br />
<br />
In the months following that birth story, I enthusiastically clicked the link to her blog every time I saw that she had a new post. I would read through her recreations of vacations, day trips, girls' nights out, elaborate birthday parties for her family members, days at the beach, lazy days at home with her girls...it soon occurred to me- this chick never has a bad day. She spends her days writing, photographing, and swooning over her girls. Life seems pretty simple in her world. Or at least that's how she portrays it in words and pictures.<br />
<br />
Having a single child is difficult. Having two kids seems slightly more difficult to me. She has two children, one with special needs. There has to be bad days involved. That's just reality.<br />
<br />
So, I then realized that she just doesn't air her grievances over the interwebs, like some of us :::cough cough:::me::::cough::: She prefers to stay positive and light-hearted. I get that. But here's the thing...in my world, I appreciate honesty and a healthy dose of realism. That's how I work. I ran across a bunch of Kelles in my world, pre-Lily, that blew smoke up my ass about motherhood. When I arrived here and realized that it can be hell on earth in certain moments, imagine my dismay and the feelings of being a terrible mother who has absolutely no instinct to be a nurturer. Honesty would have been much appreciated ahead of time. Fair warning, is what I believe it's called.<br />
<br />
Perhaps I am just a different type of mother than most and most identify with Kelle, not me. As I've posted about before, I never dreamed a being a mother my whole life. I didn't coo at babies or aim for the stay-at-home-mom status. I simply fell in love with a man which ignited feelings of wanting to see his eyes on our child and experience that type of love. I also wanted to avoid weird, old cat woman status, but that's a whole other story. Point being, maybe I'm <i>not</i> a natural nurturer and this <i>is</i> more work for me than others. I'm not sure, but I do know that those moms who have shared with me that they have had feelings of wanting to run away from time to time or that they mourn their previous lives once in awhile are the moms that I have identified with.<br />
<br />
Do I still read Kelle's blog? Absolutely, I do. She is an amazing writer and photographer. But do I buy into her idealistic posts? No. I know she has bad days, bad moments, and probably even argues with her husband from time to time :::gasp::::. I just know that what made me fall in love with her originally was her honesty of how difficult it was to come to terms with her child having Down Syndrome. It was <i>true emotion</i>. I miss that in her posts now. I just hope she is being true to herself away from the internet and acknowledges that life is, in fact, not perfect.<br />
<br />
/randomnessVanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-44873463877498072622011-05-18T13:57:00.000-07:002011-05-18T13:57:36.140-07:00"GO AWAY, MOMMY!!"<br />
<br />
My daughter said those words to me on her birthday, kicking me at the same time, as I was putting on her jammies.<br />
Be still my broken heart.<br />
She wanted her grandfather in that moment, which is completely acceptable, but I did not realize she would break my heart so early on. I want her to always want me and to always need me. :::sigh:::<br />
Reality sets in.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-42771347069463638992011-05-16T12:32:00.000-07:002011-05-16T12:32:08.599-07:00Dear Lily,<br />
I think the phrase I use the most when reflecting on something about you is, "I can't believe...", simply because it is so incredible how fast time goes and the growth you experience within that time.<br />
<br />
You are two. As of 4:45am yesterday, I have a two year old. It just seems impossible that it has been two years since I was sitting in the hospital marveling over you along side of your dad. I remember so much from those three days in the hospital, like it was yesterday. I remember during that time I continually reminded myself to "be present" and "stay in the moment" so I could remember. So far, so good.<br />
<br />
Last night, after I put you to bed, I sat and watched home movies of you from 0-6 months. You had the most gorgeous newborn skin, the reddest hair, the most curious blue eyes, and the longest fingers. Now, at two, with that same porcelain skin, those curious (now green) eyes, your busy fingers that are now in proportion to your dainty hands, and your strawberry blond hair, you are not a baby anymore. It's so bittersweet. I love seeing you develop, learn new things, become a little person...but I miss those baby noises and the times when you would fall asleep on my chest. Ah, the emotions that go along with all of this!<br />
<br />
Seeing you grow is simply amazing right now. You can count to ten, you know a lot of letters, colors, shapes, and animals; you love to sing and dance; your advanced vocabulary (per your teacher, not your biased mama) puts together the cutest small sentences; your intensity when you're processing something new is so cute, especially the way you furrow your brow; the way you observe others when you're feeling overwhelmed in a group is so perceptive and the right thing to do for you. There are just so many things happening right now. I love it.<br />
<br />
Terrible twos? Yes. We have had those moments/hours/days already. Mommy is still learning to cope with this stage and extend her patience, but we're making it through. Unfortunately, your birthday was one of those days. Totally understandable though, since you had a nasty cold and we still partied like rock stars on Saturday, the day before your birthday. You loved being the "belle of the ball", as your mamau called it! The Elmo themed birthday party was a hit with you and your guests seemed to have fun, too, so I guess accepting some crabbiness the day after was well worth it.<br />
<br />
So, my fiery little red head, happy 2nd birthday. May this year bring a lot of amazing discoveries, fun memories, many laughs, and much happiness. I look forward to every single day with you and just know how special you make my world (and so many others, too!).<br />
<br />
Thank you for being so wonderful.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Your mama.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-19349522208382981652011-05-08T10:51:00.000-07:002011-05-08T10:51:14.578-07:00I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. Perhaps that's because Lily will be 2 next week and she has every ounce of a 2 year old's energy level. I am truly exhausted when she goes to bed at 8-8:30pm. It's like a truck hit me most nights, which I'm thankful for because that means she's healthy and developing properly, keeping me on my toes!<br />
<br />
On this, my second Mother's Day, I've been thinking about how I've changed as a person since becoming a mom, almost two years ago. Someone actually asked me that specific question last week and I've been thinking about an appropriate answer ever since. I just don't believe I articulated it well in my answer, which was this:<br />
<ul><li>I had to learn how to become self-less and put me last, which I've never truly had to do</li>
<li>I have become less anxious about a lot of things, spending less time in my own head, and more anxious about others, like germs. Having a sick kid is way worse than I anticipated. </li>
<li>I have had to find my backbone and deal with confrontation in some situations, which I always avoided.</li>
<li>I have become a lot more empathetic towards people in general. </li>
<li>I have cut friends out of my life that were too taxing. There's just no time for that shit now and I want Lily to have a role model for choosing good people in her life.</li>
<li>I have become less judgmental in a lot of ways and more judgmental in some.</li>
<li>I'm a lot stronger overall.</li>
<li>I have a billion times more respect and love for my own mom.</li>
<li>I have a greater respect for my body and what it's capable of. </li>
</ul><br />
Reading those thoughts back...there just isn't enough substance to those answers.<br />
The truth is, everything has changed about me since becoming a mother. Everything. It isn't that I've lost myself in motherhood or that it has taken away my identity. It's actually that I have <i>found</i> myself, and continue to discover myself, throughout this journey. I have found out so much about myself that I didn't know or realize before. I have found who I want to be in the future for Lily and who I don't ever want to be. <br />
<br />
Motherhood is so amazingly scary, so amazingly bad, so amazingly overwhelming, so amazingly wonderful, so amazingly tiring. Motherhood is so amazing.<br />
<br />
Thank you, Lily Ocean, for making me a mother, a different person, a better person. You, my love, are my world.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5310014475528720848.post-13799409180139150532011-03-27T18:46:00.000-07:002011-03-27T18:46:44.816-07:00There are some days and some weeks when I truly, truly mourn my old life. I mourn the freedom I once had as a childless individual. The freedom of sleeping in until 10am on a Saturday, eating some breakfast and then beaching it for the rest of the afternoon. The freedom of going to Target with my whole brain functioning and focusing on why I'm there instead of trying to keep a child content and rushing through the store to avoid any potential meltdowns. The freedom to go workout a few days a week. Shit, even the freedom of nurturing my marriage by spending an entire day together without watching Yo Gabba Gabba or changing a diaper. The freedom of living guilt free because even if I drop Lily off somewhere to do something for myself for an hour or so means feeling guilt. Just, missing freedom.<br />
<br />
This past week was one of those weeks.<br />
<br />
There wasn't anything specifically horrible about this past week, aside from Lily's first ever adult food vomiting experience, which, albeit awful (if you know me at all you know I have a weird phobia of vomiting), was not enough in it of itself to evoke these feelings. I just go through this sometimes.<br />
<br />
I often wonder if it's because I had a child in my 30's instead of my 20's. Maybe I was just more set in my ways because I was older? Maybe it has nothing to do with that and more to do with the fact that I'm a spoiled only child that only had to ever worry about myself and my dog? I'm not sure, but I'm just being honest here, I miss my pre-child life once in awhile.<br />
<br />
No one told me that I might feel this way. I don't feel guilt over these feelings anymore because I have accepted them as being normal. I might have even shared these exact emotions before and I'm repeating myself, but so be it. It feels good to be honest and get it off my chest right now.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16829238849522998105noreply@blogger.com2