I recently read this blog post by a blogger that I do not know. She commented on one of my posts on my Two Plus One blog.
There is something very endearing about this girl and I loved reading through her posts. She's young and she's ready to begin her life as a college student. She had a sweet energy about her. I think everyone from Indiana must be likable.

That specific post resonated with me for a couple of reasons. First, because I can identify with her. I, too, struggle with anxiety and have since I was very, very young. I can remember having bouts of anxiety as early as 3rd grade, crying in the clinic begging to go home. Nothing was wrong with me. I just wanted my mom. Looking back, I know it was separation anxiety. Like this blogger, I hated being away from my mom. The difference here is that my mom was not traveling for work.

Which leads me to the second reason why this post resonated with me...I am her mom. I have to leave Lily every couple of months for business, so not quite as often as the blogger's mom, but enough that guilt tears at my soul.

I am the Vice President of Sales Operations for a medical supply company (quite the fancy title, sure, but trust me, it isn't a fancy job). I oversee 8 sales reps across Florida so my travel isn't far, but its far enough.
I have to be honest and say that I do a lot of justifying in my head to make this "ok". Other than these couple/few days on the road every 2-3 months, I work from home, which obviously means I get to see Lily every single day. My mom and my mother-in-law are our day care providers so while I work, they watch her. I am so fortunate to have this set up, even though it is laden with its own type of guilt, such as when she crawls or walks back to my desk, puts her arms up to me and pleads with me to pick her up...and more times than not, I give in because a mother's guilt is deadly.

Off topic a bit.

Most of my working mommy friends have to be away from their kids 40-50 hours a week...so there lies my justification: I'm with her so often and she sees me so much, even while I'm working, that my absence for these business trips is surely barely noticed. I'm sure that's a bunch of horseshit but its how I sleep at night when I'm away.

After reading this blogger's post, my heart was heavy. I cannot do this to Lily as she grows up. I would rather go back to working in a restaurant, waiting on tables, than to have her suffer in my absence.
By no means am I judging blogger's mom for having to have this type of occupation. Quite the opposite, I applaud her for doing what she needed to do for her family...but I know when Lily is old enough to say, "Mommy, don't go", it will tear at my heart, break me and send me running out to look for another job. I may have to eat those words in a couple of years to pay the bills but I certainly hope I don't have to disappoint Lily by leaving on business often.

I am off to Miami for two days on Tuesday. I am already having anxiety about leaving. I hate this necessary evil.