Let's talk about viruses, my need for control, anxiety, and having a kid. Yes, they are all related. In my world.

First, anxiety.
I am an anxious, somewhat neurotic person, in general. Not all of the time, not even everyday, but just in general. I have been my whole life. I can remember being in third grade suffering from horrible separation anxiety. I would fake sick often and sit in the clinic crying to go home. Magically, when my mom appeared, everything was fine and we would be on our way to Taco Bell for a Taco Bell Grande with sour cream. I loved one on one attention from my parents and didn't adjust well to group situations with other children. I remember needing to be picked up from a couple of sleep overs. It just wasn't my thing. I liked adults, my own space, and quiet (not much has changed at the age of 35, now that I think of it).
Did my mom enable my neurosis by conceding to picking me up from school and sleepovers? Possibly, but I would, and will, probably do the same thing with Lily.  We all fuck up our kids somehow. It's a fact. And it's ok.

Anyway, I grew out of this phase and middle school and high school were relatively anxiety free for me. I was social, had a ton of friends my own age, and was pretty well balanced.

I started having panic attacks right before I left for Florida State, after finishing community college. I had no idea they were panic attacks at the time. All I knew is that I felt terribly on edge and nauseated for about 10-15 minutes at a time and it would come and go. I was anxious. I don't know why or what it was truly about, but it was there.
Throughout my 20's and 30's, this pattern continued. I will be fine for a couple/few years and then my anxiety will surface again, usually surrounding a major change in my life...or an illness, even a simple virus, like the stomach flu. Weird? Yes, I know.

An interesting side note here is that pregnancy and the first year of Lily's life were completely anxiety free for me. This is the opposite for many women who suffer with anxiety but I truly felt emotionally fantastic during those times. Perhaps it was just having another focus, aside from living in my own head? Probably.
I digress.

Enter viruses and need for control, or hating having a lack of control.
I am a control freak. I like to know what's going to happen and when, as unrealistic as that is. I like to have a plan, in most situations, and stick to it. I hate the anticipation of the unknown. This is why I have suffered with anxiety. Control is a very difficult thing to give up for me, even in the example of driving: I need to drive whenever I go somewhere with a group, or drinking alcohol: I hate it because I feel out of control when I'm "buzzed" and God forbid, drunk.

When a virus of any kind interrupts my life, I sometimes freak out. I can deal with an every day cold, or even a minor flu with a fever, as long as I can function...but vomiting?? Nope. Cannot deal.

Because I am so analytical and tend to over think, I have figured out why I have an irrational fear and loathing for vomiting illnesses: because you can't control it. On top of being a horrible feeling and disgusting to boot, it's unstoppable, unpredictable, uncontrollable, and has the potential to be embarrassing. (I realize how crazy this sounds and I swear I'm getting to a point of some sort).

Now, knowing this about me, imagine my dismay when my kid started getting sick once a month, with a variety of viruses, resulting from being in daycare. Daycare is nothing more than a petri dish full of germs waiting to pounce. Kids are gross and there is very little anyone can do about it. Roseola, bronchitis, pneumonia, stomach flu...you name it. This is a whole different level of anxiety for me. When it's a virus in my body, it's me. I know about my body and how to manage it. When it's Lily, this little love bug who I cannot stand to be in any kind of discomfort, it's so, so different.

I used to think, pre-Lily, "Hey, kids get sick and then they get better. It's life!". That was very naive. The statement in it of itself is very true but it was naive of me to think that it's that simple. The amount of worry and anxiety I feel when Lily is sick is like nothing I've ever experienced. I fear the next virus and what the severity of it is going to be. I hate looking into her big green eyes, see that familiar sickly glassiness and not be able to anticipate when or how she is going to feel better.

I'm getting better with all of this, though. Colds and bronchial viruses are getting a little better for me to handle and I've learned quickly how to soothe this for her. She's on her billionth virus right now, as I type, and I have managed to remain calm.
I still hate vomiting, whether it's her or me. It makes me crazy. I'm hoping I get over this one day.

So, getting to my point?
If you're reading this and you're at all like me, only without a child....somehow, learn how to let go. Go with the flow. Your kid will get sick, but they will get better. Accept this somehow and find a zen. Your workplace will understand. You will not get fired. Your child will be ok in a couple of days. Life will be back to normal in a couple of days.
I will, someday, learn how to take my own advice.

I am absolutely loving having conversations with my daughter.

From today:
(She was napping for 3.5 hours, which she has never done in her little life. She started getting some cold symptoms yesterday so I figured it was draining her energy. At almost 5pm, I went in her room and touched her head)
Lily: Mommy? Time to get up??
Me: Well, baby, you don't have to but you've been sleeping a long time.
Lily: Mommy, I sleep long time 'cuz I don't feel good. ::She stands up::: I feel better now!!!
Me: That's good baby. Sleep is good.
Lily: Sleep make me better, mommy. I don't feel good but then I feel better.

This might read as absolutely trivial but I'm telling you these were the days I was waiting for as a mom: communication. I love it. Sometimes she still doesn't make a ton of sense and she gets so many words mixed up but at the end of the day, it's all perfect to me.

Just like the other night, I decided to take a bath with her in my big bathtub. I hadn't done that in awhile and I thought it would be fun since she's into mimicking everything I do. I took the opportunity to try to teach her how to wash her hair, etc.
The whole time we were in there she just chatted up a storm, asking to "use mommy's soap", "wash mommy's hair" and just talking mini paragraphs at a time. This is so fun for me. (She also though it was hilarious that my boobs floated. That's a whole other story though.)

Tantrums aside, I love this age.

I had a very interesting moment yesterday.

It was "meet the teacher" open house at Lily's preschool. It occurred to me as we were driving there that I will be doing this for about the next 16 years. A tradition of sorts, along with school supply shopping (which I LOVED as a kid. There was nothing like a new Trapper Keeper with crisp new folders), and eventually there will be school clothes shopping. It felt strange to me that we are beginning this tradition so soon. She's 2, not 5. It made me feel almost guilty as though I am rushing her into being a grown up kid already.

But that wasn't the moment I'm talking about, exactly.

When we arrived at her school, it was abuzz with parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers, etc. Smiling faces everywhere and a lot of "getting to know you" talk throughout the hallways. We walked into her new classroom, twice the size of last year's class, adorned with so many toys and things to distract even the shiest of kids away from their parents.

We met "Miss Liz", as Lily clung to my hip, clutching my shirt, barely whispering a "hello" to Liz. "She's so shy", I say. I question myself after I said it because I almost sounded...smug. As in, "Heh, she NEEEEEEDSSS me". I surprised myself because usually I'm a bit embarrassed by Lily's shyness and I want her to interact and show some independence. But in this moment, it felt amazing to be needed.

Then, all of the sudden, Lily turns her head and sees a HUGE play kitchen with boxes full of play food.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, LOOOOOK!!!", as she squirms to get out of my arms. I put her down and she trots over to the "kitchen" area, about 10 feet away from me. I immediately follow her, get down on my knees and start to play with her. I then looked around and noticed that we are the only ones not interacting with the others. Story of my life. I have always leaned towards anti-social, especially with unfamiliar people. "Nope. I can't do this to her", I think to myself.

Reluctantly, I get up and force myself to move back across the room to introduce myself to some of these other moms and chat with the teacher.

"I'll be right over here, Lily". She barely gives me a glance.

Very few of these women are overly friendly and don't seem interested in conversation with me (see? Anti-social.), so I walk over to the snack and milk sign up sheets, even further away from Lily, near the exit door. I notice Lily is keeping her eye on me but not overly concerned. She looked up after a few minutes and said, "Bye, mommy! Check ya later, dude! (something her dad taught her)".  She thought I was leaving her for her regular school day.

This was my interesting moment.

I suddenly wanted to cry. For a lot of reasons. I realized, right there in this moment, she will not need me for much longer like she does now. She's already gained so much independence in 2 short years. This time is going too fast. She won't be cute and little for long. She will be going to Kindergarten soon. She will be a teenager after that and omg I cannot handle the thought of talking about birth control, drugs,  and having the "I FUCKING HATE YOUs" yelled in my direction. THIS IS ALL JUST HAPPENING TOO FAST!!!

Yep, all of that went through my mind.

And since that moment yesterday, I have paid extra attention to every little sweet, and not so sweet, nuance about Lily. I have taken several mental pictures and notes. I have tried to just be in the moment, which is not a skill that I've perfected but I am diligently trying.

When she was a newborn, I couldn't wait for this age of more interaction, language, and independence. Now I want time to freeze. Right now. Let me just soak all of this in and never let myself forget what she's like at this age.

When it was time to leave school and we had neared outstayed our welcome, I went to pick Lily up and said, "Time to go, baby. Let's go to Target", and she says, "No, mommy. I wanna play here!". My heart sank a little more.
So, like any good parent would do, I bribed her and told her that there is a Curious George waiting for her at Target. Is that considered "spoiling"??? Don't answer that.

I think it's funny when my kid curses. I do. So shoot me. It's freakin hilarious and I'm sticking to that.
She hasn't done it too much, so relax. Maybe three times. The funniest time being when she dropped the f-bomb in the grocery store, over and over, because she heard me say it in the car as an old man pulled out in front of me. She has also exercised the word "shit" with the proper usage, and "damn".
I'm not saying I'm proud of this. I just find it slightly funny for some reason.

Lily is just funny in general these days. Aside from the epic tantrums, she has one heck of a funny personality.
Examples:
- Because I'm a worrier, I have a tendency of saying, "Baby, are you doin ok?" a lot. So, of course, Lily has picked up, "Mama, you ok?", complete with concerned look and hand on the shoulder.
- Because Lily is sick often, my mom and I both "check" her for a fever by cupping her face in our hands and feeling her forehead (ineffective, yes, I know). So, of course, Lily has now done the same with us, complete with, "Mama, you feel hot".
- One of her favorite sayings is, "Awww, maaaannnnn", when she drops something or can't find what she's looking for.
- She also loves, "Check ya later, dude", thanks to her daddy.
- For some reason she associates the word "crabby" with having a belly ache. I can only attribute this to the fact that when she's in one of her fits and I ask her "Are you crabby?" that maybe she has a stomach ache?? I'm not sure, since she doesn't know how to communicate these things to me all of the time yet. Anyway, she'll come up to me, put her hand on my stomach, randomly, and say, "Mommy, you crabby??".
- She calls Dustin and I by our first names sometimes. She can say Dustin pretty clearly but my name is "Bee-yes-a". She pulls this card when she thinks we aren't listening to her. Such as, "Mama, I want M&Ms", and I reply, "No, baby. Not until after you eat dinner". She'll say, "BEE-YES-A, I want M&Ms", as if I didn't understand or hear her the first time.
- She has this little manipulation thing that she does where she'll ask for something and then say "OK!" in answer to herself. For example, "Mommy, wanna get some cape (cake)??", and then right before I say something she'll say, "OK!!!", as though she's answering her own question, running into the direction she needs to go to get what she wants. 

Other random things about Lily at 26 months:
- She loves the word "no" and uses it as much as possible, even if she really means "yes". She also loves, "NO WAY, MOM", or "Go away!" when she wants to either be all alone or be alone with someone else in the room. Hurtful, for sure, but shows some independence, I suppose.
- She loves school now. She's had a new teacher since summer began, Mallory, who she ADORES. She talks about her all of the time.
- She has very little separation anxiety from anyone. She's great when I drop her off somewhere, like my parent's house or my in-laws, and just says, "Bye, mommy! See ya later!!". This is bitter sweet for me but I know it's ultimately a good thing.
- I bought her a play kitchen about a month ago and she loves it. She loves making us "coffee" and "pizza".
- She has zero interest in giving up her paci, going potty on the potty, or moving to a big girl bed. We're working on the first two, little by little, but I can tell this might be a long road. I feel as though I am going to be one of those parents that I used to judge that has a 3 year old in diapers with a paci hanging out of their mouth. At least the paci is now reserved for the house or the car only now.
- She is very sensitive and will apologize if she thinks she's physically hurt someone. She also says "thank you" to everyone, including our cashiers at stores.
- She's a homebody. She isn't a big fan of being out and about lately. She'll tolerate it for a couple hours but will constantly remind us that it's "time to go home". I'm hoping this changes a bit.
- Sleeping is a challenge again...or still, depending on how I look at it.
- She loves to sing along to songs, especially Katy Perry's "Alien" and Enrique Igliesias' "I Like It". I love it.

She's developing so quickly. She's about 29lbs now and really tall. Her red hair is growing quickly now and all kinds of crazy curly/frizzy.  She's a lot of fun to be around, most of the time, and seems to be so smart.
I feel myself losing my "baby" everyday, which makes me sad, but I'm so excited to see who she will grow into.

I was all set to sit down and write an awesomely funny post about Lily-isms since it's technically nap time, but I just heard, "MOMMY. MOMMY. Time to get up??", after only sleeping for 25 minutes.

::sigh::

It's never a dull moment. One thing about motherhood that you can be certain about is the uncertainty.

I've been at a loss for posts. It isn't necessarily because I don't have anything to post about, it's because I don't always want to be negative and to be honest, I haven't had a lot of nice things to say about motherhood lately.
That sounds bad, right?
I will say that 2 is a fun age in many ways. The development of language and emotion is sweet, adorable, intriguing, and whatever other positive adjective you want to insert. Lily is the funniest person I know and she can be so adoring and sweet...but, it isn't called "terrible twos" for nothing.
Lily has regressed on sleep habits, waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes often, and taking nothing but short cat naps. Combine that with epic tantrums and you have yourself one tired, annoyed, stressed out mama. I realize I'm not alone and I'm certainly not claiming that I have it worse than any other mom, but I will admit that I'm at a loss on how to deal with the terrible twos.
I'm doing the best I can to roll with the punches. Live for the cute little nuances. Keep myself calm. Breathe through the challenges. Remind myself that this will pass. Utilize my family and take breaks. But some days all of these things combined just aren't enough to keep me feeling sane.
I struggle with the guilt of feeling frustrated. I feel horrible when I snap at Lily during her meltdown because I logically know that SHE is frustrated and just learning how to deal with HER emotions. I am the adult. I should be able to hold this together for her. But it's frustrating and sometimes infuriating.
I am going to look into some books theorized on the terrible twos and try to exercise some of the techniques, because let's face it, I'm kind of at my wits end here and we have at least another year of this!

I promise I'll have something happier to share. I just tend to need to write when things are, well, difficult. That's what I need this outlet for- venting. It soothes me a bit and allows me to not live in my own head so much.

I hesitated on writing this post due to the risk of offending, but screw it. It's my blog.
I'm just going to throw this out there-
Will someone please tell Kelle Hampton that it's ok to have a bad day and that life isn't full of rainbows, unicorns and fairy dust everyday? Please?? Am I just cynical? I'm all for being a "positive outlook" type of person and finding/creating happiness in most situations, but for the love of plastic Jesus, is life really as simple as Kelle makes it out to be? I'll answer that: NO, it isn't...unless there is some fabulous, magical medication that I'm unaware of.

I have been following Kelle since I read her birth story in January 2010. I fell in love with her writing, her story of birthing a special needs child, and her pictures. I think the whole universe has read her birth story. That story was powerful and honest, tear jerking and heart wrenching. She has been featured in magazines, countless other blogs, CNN, and God only knows where else. Her story seemed to touch the world and really bring some reality to many of us who birthed healthy children.

In the months following that birth story, I enthusiastically clicked the link to her blog every time I saw that she had a new post. I would read through her recreations of vacations, day trips, girls' nights out, elaborate birthday parties for her family members, days at the beach, lazy days at home with her girls...it soon occurred to me- this chick never has a bad day. She spends her days writing, photographing, and swooning over her girls. Life seems pretty simple in her world. Or at least that's how she portrays it in words and pictures.

Having a single child is difficult. Having two kids seems slightly more difficult to me. She has two children, one with special needs. There has to be bad days involved. That's just reality.

So, I then realized that she just doesn't air her grievances over the interwebs, like some of us :::cough cough:::me::::cough::: She prefers to stay positive and light-hearted. I get that. But here's the thing...in my world, I appreciate honesty and a healthy dose of realism. That's how I work. I ran across a bunch of Kelles in my world, pre-Lily, that blew smoke up my ass about motherhood. When I arrived here and realized that it can be hell on earth in certain moments, imagine my dismay and the feelings of being a terrible mother who has absolutely no instinct to be a nurturer. Honesty would have been much appreciated ahead of time. Fair warning, is what I believe it's called.

Perhaps I am just a different type of mother than most and most identify with Kelle, not me. As I've posted about before, I never dreamed a being a mother my whole life. I didn't coo at babies or aim for the stay-at-home-mom status. I simply fell in love with a man which ignited feelings of wanting to see his eyes on our child and experience that type of love.  I also wanted to avoid weird, old cat woman status, but that's a whole other story. Point being, maybe I'm not a natural nurturer and this is more work for me than others. I'm not sure, but I do know that those moms who have shared with me that they have had feelings of wanting to run away from time to time or that they mourn their previous lives once in awhile are the moms that I have identified with.

Do I still read Kelle's blog? Absolutely, I do. She is an amazing writer and photographer. But do I buy into her idealistic posts? No. I know she has bad days, bad moments, and probably even argues with her husband from time to time :::gasp::::. I just know that what made me fall in love with her originally was her honesty of how difficult it was to come to terms with her child having Down Syndrome. It was true emotion. I miss that in her posts now. I just hope she is being true to herself away from the internet and acknowledges that life is, in fact, not perfect.

/randomness