Motherhood has had a way of making me feel bipolar at times. I'm not at all making light of mental illness. I know better than that, but I do mean bipolar. So high and so low at times.

I have had a stressful week. Work has been out of control busy and challenging, PMS, the never ending teething child who likes to scream most of each day...just stress. Then add in a couple of doses of feeling sorry for myself because of feeling like a prisoner in my own home night since Dustin has been gone every.single.night. this week. All in all, not a good combination.

Tonight, I wanted to go to an All Class Reunion that is being held at some local restaurants. They split up the classes into decades and send everyone to different locations, then have shuttles to go in between to mix everyone together.

Have I ever wanted to attend events like these before? No.
Why do I want to tonight? Because I can't.

I could have asked my parents to come and sit with the baby but they do too much for us and they need their time.

So I sulk. I pout, to myself. Woe is me.


An hour after putting Lily to bed, she starts screaming and doesn't stop. I, naturally, start pitching a fit, again, to myself. I am even brought to tears out of frustration. WHY tonight does she have to start screaming so early?? WHY do all of my other friends with kids find a sitter and not feel guilty?? WHY is she screaming?? WHY does my husband get to be at work at night?? Just WHY??

Aaaaand then guilt sets in. And I cry some more because I feel guilty. I cry because I should not be feeling sorry for myself with this beautiful little baby in the other room who needs me. I'm ridiculous.

After the standard 30 minutes of letting her scream, I go in and get her. She's red faced and so upset.
"WHAT is wrong?? Grrrr. These fucking teeth are going to be the death of me", is all I can think.
Another pang on guilt with that selfish though.

I make her a bottle, even though she just ate an hour beforehand. She sucks down 6 ounces.

Here comes the bipolar part...

I look down at her in my arms, so content and quiet. She was hungry. Oh my God, I suck, she was just hungry. She could not have been more peaceful in this moment. She could not have been more beautiful and sweet. She needed me.
Suddenly, I am filled with more love and elation than anyone on earth. I "fixed" her and she is happy now, and so am I. She feels safe and loved right now. She is happy I'm here. There was no place I would rather be in this moment and as a matter of a fact, the thought of missing the moment makes me sad.

Crazy highs and lows.