Thursday, November 25, 2010


So, I'm not going to lie. This Thanksgiving was a big disappointment. It's so incredibly selfish to say that because I have so many amazing things in my life to be thankful for, and I am, but sometimes holidays are all hype and the climax just really sucks.

I'm writing about this here and not on my daily life blog because the majority of the reason why today wasn't what I had hoped is because, well, Lily was a big fat pain in my ass. Is that bad to say?

Even if it is, I said it. I needed to say it because that's my truth.

The day actually started out shitty because the night was shitty. That part of the day actually had nothing to do with Lily. It was my husband's fault. I'll Cliff Note this portion of the story to say, he went out way too late, came home drunk, puked his brains out for a few hours, and was basically worthless most of the day. I couldn't sleep through the puking, I had to take care of the baby, and I cleaned the house. Not what I call a fantastic way to spend a holiday morning BUT the saving grace of the morning was when my parents came over for breakfast. Dustin managed to muscle through the nausea (as he should have since I was so angry) and made a great breakfast. That was a really nice part of the morning.

However, I was honestly really excited to go to my in-law's for a huge feast at 4pm. Lily even took two naps today (ZOMG, yes, TWO), so I thought for sure she would be an angel until 7:30-8pm.

Unfortunately, the best laid plans always fall to shit.

She was not nice. At all. Tantrum city.
That's all. The end.

I don't need to go into many details. That truly is the long and the short of it. I guess my disappointment comes in because pre-Lily I had this idealistic picture in my head of what the holidays would be like once we had children. I pictured it so much differently. I pictured a happier child, a bit more content, and even if she did get crabby in my fantasy, I pictured it not being a problem because I could surely just put her down in a pack-n-play so Dustin and I could stay to socialize, like an average married couple, and have adult conversations over a bonfire and glass of wine.

I suppose that's why they're called fantasies.

The reality was that she was content for about 30 minutes, going from person to person seeing what they had to offer, and then turned into a screaming monster. NOTHING was making her happy. Needless to say, I spent the remainder of the 1.5 hours there trying desperately to make her happy. I didn't even get to converse with anyone, other than the family members that would try to intervene and say, "What's wrong with her??", and in my mind I would reply, "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW OTHERWISE I WOULD FIX IT!!".

So, we had to cut our visit short because, contrary to my fantasy world, listening to a screaming toddler is not tolerable. It's flat out annoying.

If this post makes me sound like a selfish mother and a Thanksgiving scrooge, so be it. I'm throwing a pity party for myself tonight and you're all invited.

Right now, I'm thankful for my redheaded toddler that is finally quiet and sound asleep. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Many days of motherhood I wished that you were somewhere else in your development. When you were a newborn I *wished* for you to become more interactive. When you were an infant I *wished* for the day that you would sleep through the night. These days, I *wish* for the day that you can fully communicate your feelings to me. I *wish* for the day that you will walk by my side instead of wandering your own way. I *wish* for the tantrum phase to be over.

I know that we should never *wish* for anything other than where we are but I believe its human nature of a mother, just to bring some ease into the situation. Most days I absorb where we are and live for the day but others I have, and do, wish for something.

This week, I have wished for nothing but exactly where you are. Reason being, you suffered your first major loss...but I don't think you even know.

On Monday, daddy and I had to make the horribly difficult decision to put Bear to sleep, at the age of 12. He was sick and in pain so we needed to let him go. It was ultimately the least selfish thing we could do for such a great friend.

He was your first best friend, whether you liked it or not. He watched over you carefully and protected you. He wanted to always be near you and was ever so mindful of you. He slept every night outside of your door, even waking you at times with a brush against your door.

You never loved Bear like I had hoped you would. You were intimidated by his size, and definitely by his bark, but you warmed up to him at times, giving him an affectionate "pat pat" on his head or going to his dog food, grabbing a handful, putting it in his dish, and then calling for him. You tolerated him well, despite your small fear of his large frame.

As daddy took him away in Pop-Pop's van, I explained where he was going and why. I told you he will be in heaven now watching over you. You looked a bit confused and even a bit concerned. After the van pulled away, you asked me several times, "Bear??", and I would explain it again.

A half an hour later, we went back inside the house...and you haven't asked for him since. I tell you a couple times a day that Bear is in heaven now, just as a reminder in case your little brain does ever wonder.

I have been thanking God that you do not cry for him, look for him, continue to want to feed him, or worry about him. It could be that you are perceptive enough to know that he left in that van and he isn't coming back, or maybe you are just too young to realize his absence. Either way, I am so glad this isn't hard on you. My heart couldn't handle breaking enough for the two of us.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Lily-isms Lately

She is all toddler. She is a constant stream of energy, only stopping to sleep 12 hours at night, possibly a short nap during the day, and to poop (yes, still in her pants. Mama is not up for potty training yet, sorry.)

She has quite the sense of humor, mimicking pop-pop when he sneezes and laughing when mama fake cries (to get her attention. Not exactly the response I was looking for). She also sports quite the attitude by saying "no" when I ask her to say please and pounding her chest like a cave woman when she wants something, as if to say "ME! I want it NOW!". 

She still has complete conversations in her own language, only throwing in something sensible once in a great while. We are now convinced she is German and nothing of the Asian decent. Her language is very guttural and sharp.

She continues to LOVE music. So much so that she puts on her own shows. She "sings" and dances at the same time, stops, then claps and exclaims "YAYYYYYY!!", as though she just gave the performance of her life to an audience of one...herself.

She calls people by their titles now when she wants their attention...or when she wants to interrupt conversation. Dustin and I were in her room a couple of days ago, talking, and she would say, "Ma!" to get my attention and proceed to tell me a story in German. When she would finish, I would go back to talking to Dustin. Lather, rinse, repeat. It was so cute. Possibly the start to a horrible habit, but cute.

She wasn't overly impressed by Halloween. We went downtown for our town's Halloween parade and trick-or-treating, put on by all of the local businesses, and I dressed her like an angel. She didn't care about the kids. She didn't care about the candy. She didn't care about the festivities. She cared about the street... She just wanted to walk in the street and look at her sparkly new shoes as she walked. It's the simple things in life. Oh, how we adults can learn from babies.

On Halloween, her and I dressed up like Pebbles and Wilma Flintstone:
 Totally similar, right?!

We took her trick-or-treating to about 4 houses. She didn't get it. Not only that but she is in this extremely shy phase and just freezes in the presence of most strangers so she just gave everyone this blank stare. God love my socially inept child. (Fingers crossed that the play groups that she recently started will help with this asap).

What she did understand is that there was candy in her little bag. She wanted to examine the goods every time we left a house....Then her interest turned to just wanting to walk on everyone's grass. That's when we knew it was time to hang up the wig and realize that this kid couldn't care less about this holiday right now. Fun for me... sure, fun for her... sure. Overall, it was a win, win but I'm looking forward to her actually understanding it next year.

As many of my mom friends warned me, at this age I slowly see my baby slipping away into her own personality. Its an amazing transformation and so bitter sweet.