Wednesday, May 18, 2011


My daughter said those words to me on her birthday, kicking me at the same time, as I was putting on her jammies.
Be still my broken heart.
She wanted her grandfather in that moment, which is completely acceptable, but I did not realize she would break my heart so early on. I want her to always want me and to always need me. :::sigh:::
Reality sets in.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Dear Lily,
I think the phrase I use the most when reflecting on something about you is, "I can't believe...", simply because it is so incredible how fast time goes and the growth you experience within that time.

You are two. As of 4:45am yesterday, I have a two year old. It just seems impossible that it has been two years since I was sitting in the hospital marveling over you along side of your dad. I remember so much from those three days in the hospital, like it was yesterday. I remember during that time I continually reminded myself to "be present" and "stay in the moment" so I could remember. So far, so good.

Last night, after I put you to bed, I sat and watched home movies of you from 0-6 months. You had the most gorgeous newborn skin, the reddest hair, the most curious blue eyes, and the longest fingers. Now, at two, with that same porcelain skin, those curious (now green) eyes, your busy fingers that are now in proportion to your dainty hands, and your strawberry blond hair, you are not a baby anymore. It's so bittersweet. I love seeing you develop, learn new things, become a little person...but I miss those baby noises and the times when you would fall asleep on my chest.  Ah, the emotions that go along with all of this!

Seeing you grow is simply amazing right now. You can count to ten, you know a lot of letters, colors, shapes, and animals; you love to sing and dance; your advanced vocabulary (per your teacher, not your biased mama) puts together the cutest small sentences; your intensity when you're processing something new is so cute, especially the way you furrow your brow; the way you observe others when you're feeling overwhelmed in a group is so perceptive and the right thing to do for you. There are just so many things happening right now. I love it.

Terrible twos? Yes. We have had those moments/hours/days already. Mommy is still learning to cope with this stage and extend her patience, but we're making it through.  Unfortunately, your birthday was one of those days. Totally understandable though, since you had a nasty cold and we still partied like rock stars on Saturday, the day before your birthday. You loved being the "belle of the ball", as your mamau called it! The Elmo themed birthday party was a hit with you and your guests seemed to have fun, too, so I guess accepting some crabbiness the day after was well worth it.

So, my fiery little red head, happy 2nd birthday. May this year bring a lot of amazing discoveries, fun memories, many laughs, and much happiness. I look forward to every single day with you and just know how special you make my world (and so many others, too!).

Thank you for being so wonderful.

Your mama.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. Perhaps that's because Lily will be 2 next week and she has every ounce of a 2 year old's energy level. I am truly exhausted when she goes to bed at 8-8:30pm. It's like a truck hit me most nights, which I'm thankful for because that means she's healthy and developing properly, keeping me on my toes!

On this, my second Mother's Day, I've been thinking about how I've changed as a person since becoming a mom, almost two years ago. Someone actually asked me that specific question last week and I've been thinking about an appropriate answer ever since. I just don't believe I articulated it well in my answer, which was this:
  • I had to learn how to become self-less and put me last, which I've never truly had to do
  • I have become less anxious about a lot of things, spending less time in my own head, and more anxious about others, like germs. Having a sick kid is way worse than I anticipated. 
  • I have had to find my backbone and deal with confrontation in some situations, which I always avoided.
  • I have become a lot more empathetic towards people in general. 
  • I have cut friends out of my life that were too taxing. There's just no time for that shit now and I want Lily to have a role model for choosing good people in her life.
  • I have become less judgmental in a lot of ways and more judgmental in some.
  • I'm a lot stronger overall.
  • I have a billion times more respect and love for my own mom.
  • I have a greater respect for my body and what it's capable of.

Reading those thoughts back...there just isn't enough substance to those answers.
The truth is, everything has changed about me since becoming a mother. Everything. It isn't that I've lost myself in motherhood or that it has taken away my identity. It's actually that I have found myself, and continue to discover myself, throughout this journey. I have found out so much about myself that I didn't know or realize before. I have found who I want to be in the future for Lily and who I don't ever want to be.

Motherhood is so amazingly scary, so amazingly bad, so amazingly overwhelming, so amazingly wonderful, so amazingly tiring. Motherhood is so amazing.

Thank you, Lily Ocean, for making me a mother, a different person, a better person. You, my love, are my world.