Sunday, March 27, 2011

There are some days and some weeks when I truly, truly mourn my old life. I mourn the freedom I once had as a childless individual. The freedom of sleeping in until 10am on a Saturday, eating some breakfast and then beaching it for the rest of the afternoon. The freedom of going to Target with my whole brain functioning and focusing on why I'm there instead of trying to keep a child content and rushing through the store to avoid any potential meltdowns. The freedom to go workout a few days a week. Shit, even the freedom of nurturing my marriage by spending an entire day together without watching Yo Gabba Gabba or changing a diaper. The freedom of living guilt free because even if I drop Lily off somewhere to do something for myself for an hour or so means feeling guilt. Just, missing freedom.

This past week was one of those weeks.

There wasn't anything specifically horrible about this past week, aside from Lily's first ever adult food vomiting experience, which, albeit awful (if you know me at all you know I have a weird phobia of vomiting), was not enough in it of itself to evoke these feelings. I just go through this sometimes.

I often wonder if it's because I had a child in my 30's instead of my 20's. Maybe I was just more set in my ways because I was older? Maybe it has nothing to do with that and more to do with the fact that I'm a spoiled only child that only had to ever worry about myself and my dog? I'm not sure, but I'm just being honest here, I miss my pre-child life once in awhile.

No one told me that I might feel this way. I don't feel guilt over these feelings anymore because I have accepted them as being normal. I might have even shared these exact emotions before and I'm repeating myself, but so be it. It feels good to be honest and get it off my chest right now.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Yet another thing about motherhood that is interesting to me is the "OMG, my kid does ::::fill in the blank here:::: and s/he must be the only one to do it because ZOMG it's so bad/different/good, etc.". Does this make sense?

Allow me to give examples.

When Lily was a newborn and suffered from silent reflux, I felt like the only mother alive dealing with this kind of issue on this level, even though logically I knew I wasn't.

When Lily wouldn't sleep through the night from 3.5 months of age until, oh, about 3 months ago, I SWORE that NO ONE has it this bad with their child's sleep.

When Lily got all of her teeth between the ages of 6 month to a year, aside from her 2 year molars, I was SURE that God was only torturing my kid, and, well, me.

When Lily had a 105 degree temperature when she was 13 months old, I was certain that no mother worried this much because surely no 13 month old has been this sick.

When Lily had a difficult time transitioning into school, obviously no child has been this difficult with all of the crying.

And these feelings can go for good, positive things, too...

When Lily falls down and skins her knees up, she rarely cries so she must be tougher than others.

Lily speaks in sentences already so she must be advanced.

And so on.

Logically, as a mother, you know that every parent goes through similar milestones, aches, pains, challenges, etc., and we are not different from others at all, but as a first time mother, I have felt like the only one on earth to go through certain things with such intensity. Perhaps it's just the way I deal with parenting issues and my feelings reveal how truly unprepared for motherhood I was. Feeling how difficult, exhilarating, tiring, joyous, heartwarming, :::insert any other adjective here::: with such passion has always taken me by surprise in this motherhood journey. Just going through so many experiences and situations that you cannot truly imagine, before you're there and living them, is so intense.

Most recently, Lily said,

"Mommy, I love you, mommy"

And I was certain that no other human has felt this special and this emotional over these simple words.