I have a school drop out.
I will eventually post about our adventures in child care issues, but for now, all I can discuss is the look on my poor baby's face when I picked her up after only an hour of "school".

This is one of the billion issues that I never understood pre-baby: dropping your kid off at school. "What's the big deal?", I used to think. "The kid NEEDS socialization!", I would rationalize.

Well, yes, they do need socialization and perhaps in the grand scheme of life it truly isn't a big deal to drop your child off for the first time, but for Lily, the world seemed to come to a complete halt on Thursday January 6, 2011.

Backing up a bit...
We have a wonderful program called "Mom's Morning Out" at one of the local Methodist churches. Virtually all of my friends that live locally have had some experience with this program, or the daycare at this church. Highly recommended.

So, last month Lily and I went and observed one Thursday to see what it was all about. It could not have been a better scenario: brightly lit room, filled with age appropriate toys and bright colors, a teacher/student ratio of 2/2, snacks, and lots of smiling faces. They were even making a craft to celebrate Christmas that appropriately stated, "Happy Birthday Jesus" on them. It was like the room was puking rainbows and sunshine.

After about 20-30 minutes of observing, we left there and I was thinking, "I can totally do this. Dropping her off here will be a breeze. She won't even miss me with this kind of attention."; basically all good thoughts. Plus, it's only for 4 hours, a far cry from the 8 that daycare would be, (had there been a spot available for Lily, which was our original intention).

January 6th would be here start date, I was told. I was a bit anxious the night beforehand, more so than I ever anticipated feeling, but I was also feeling confident.  

I can do this. 
Lily can do this. 
We have to do this for socialization!

My mantras were helping my anxiety.
That next morning I packed her a lunch, a diaper bag, made myself some coffee and off we went.
Things started out great. We were the first ones there and Miss Dorothy and Miss Diana engaged Lily right away. I slipped out, whispering, "Bye, Lils. I'll be back soon", completely unnoticed.
I shed a couple tears as I drove away. This was a milestone for us, being that only family has cared for her these past 20 months. She was becoming a big girl and I no longer has this tiny little baby depending on me for every little thing. I reminisced for a few minutes until the ring of my cell phone snapped me out of it, which happened to be work related. "Perfect", I thought. THIS is why Lily is in the program, so I can get some work done.
I get situated at my desk after arriving home. After about 30 minutes I receive a text from my friend Leslie that works in the daycare portion of the church. She had checked on Lily for me. Here was our exchange:

Leslie: I just checked on Lily. She's sitting with her blanket :)
Me: Awww, thank you! Is she sad?? (Bells went off in my head because Lily typically does not just sit with her blanket)
Leslie: Truthfully, yes. You can tell she's been crying, but it's normal. She wasn't crying when I saw her though, which is very good for someone who has never been in school before.

Ugh. She's upset. She's sad. I felt terrible. I should have never asked if Lily was sad. My mother's guilt was in overdrive and I could barely focus on anything other than the thought of Lily sitting, rubbing her blanket, wondering where mommy is.

20 minutes later, my phone rings and it was Miss Dorothy..."Vanessa, you may want to come and get Lily. She's not doing terribly, but she has been crying most of the time. It just isn't worth her being this upset if you can come and get her".

Ugh.

I pull into the parking lot and all I can see is my sweet little redhead's swollen, blotchy face in the window, as she was being held by Miss Dorothy, sobbing. It was that type of hyperventilating sobbing where she couldn't catch her breath.

Ugh.

We gathered her things and I apologized over and over, as the ladies told me how normal this was, begging me to try again next week. Lily never clung to me so tight or looked so sad, yet so relieved to see me.

So starts the "letting go"...for both of us. As traumatizing as it was her for her, it was equally traumatizing for me, all said and done. BUT, how amazing that she will not remember it.

And, we will try again next week. This shall prove to be quite a transition, I'm sure.

Today was an outstanding day. It was one of those days when everything was just in sync, life made complete sense, and, dare I say it, being a mom was actually...easy.

Today was the type of day that I had imagined before I was a mom. A day of relaxation, play time, eating leftovers from Christmas, snuggling, napping...just the pure simplicity of mama and daughter.

There were no tantrums, and as a matter of fact, there weren't even tears. A moment or two of whining, yes, but that's manageable. Perhaps this was just a result of holiday exhaustion but Lily and I were content just... being.

Today, Lily was my buddy, my sidekick, and every single bit of my happiness.

These days erase the bad days. These days make me sad when the clock approaches bedtime. These days make me wonder who the child was that I was speaking about in my Thanksgiving post. These days are amazing.

Dear Lily,
Your second Christmas has come and gone. I find it hard to believe. I know it gets so repetitive to hear how "time flies" but it really just doesn't slow down for me to soak this motherhood thing all in.

This year, I think I actually did a decent job of being in the moment. Yes, the few weeks leading up to the holiday were crazy, as always, but Christmas Eve and Christmas day, I...was present. I did not stress, I did not allow my thoughts to wander and wonder if everyone else was enjoying themselves. I was 100% committed to you and what you your every facial expression was telling me. I honestly wish I could memorize everything about you in every moment.
Christmas was amazing. You were spoiled, but not too much. You received an appropriate amount of gifts from friends and family. Your favorite so far is the Stand and Play Car Ramp that Santa brought to you. You squeal and giggle as you watch the cars slide down the ramps. Something so simple is so enthralling to you at 19 months. I love it. My most amazing gift was just watching you enjoy these moments with your toys.
You understood the concept of presents, and every time someone brought a wrapped box to you, you would exclaim, "present!!!", proceed to open it, get to the box and say "Oooohhh boy!!!", and didn't even care to actually open the box. It was so sweet.
Unlike Thanksgiving, you were so well behaved and happy. You are beginning to understand performing in front of people. You know when people are paying attention and you certainly know how to entertain...but all the same, you are so independent. You are completely content going in your room by yourself and playing for a few minutes with a house full of guests. You might even say that you have an easy going side to you. :::mommy's fingers are crossed:::
I could relive every moment in writing, like I always want to do, but I will summarize by simply stating that Christmas was so wonderful that I would happily relive the stress of planning, gift buying, cooking, cleaning, etc., just to see your smile on Christmas morning.
Thank you for being my angel.

Love, Mommy

So, it's been awhile.

We were struck by a huge sick bug a couple weeks ago and we're still recovering.  Lily had croup, an ear infection and a touch of pneumonia and I got a nasty cold. It was brutal for a week, physically and emotionally. I'm adding to the list (the very, very long list) of things I didn't know about motherhood: having a sick child, no matter how sick, is very, very challenging. Maybe I thought it would be challenging but you honestly don't really know until you're in it.

I can't believe how these days are just flying by and here we are 9 days before Christmas. I can't seem to decide if I'm in the spirit or not this year. Having a child forces my emotions into being excited about any approaching holiday but because she still doesn't truly know what these holidays are all about, it all just makes me....kind of tired, actually. And broke.

Regardless, its still fun to buy Lily gifts for her developmental stage. She is showing so much intelligence at this point, it blows my mind. And no, I'm not saying my child is a prodigy, but even the emergence of (slightly above) average developmental skills is so exciting to see.

She is quite the conversationalist now. She says so many words, I've lost count. She's to the point now where she's see something on TV, like Barney (goodlordkillmenow), hear it's name and know it the next time she sees it. It's amazing to me that this development surfaced in about a week's time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another not, the hilarity in the midst of all of this sickness was Lily launching herself out of her crib. Yes, I said hilarity.

Story time. Gather around.

On Tuesday, I put Lily down for her afternoon nap around 1pm.

After about 5 minutes of silence from her room, she started "talking". She does this often and I usually just leave her in there to see if she will tire out or if she's truly not tired (she's actually "talking" in her crib right now, as I type, after just putting her to bed). So, ten minutes went by, still talking....and then silence. I assumed that she had fallen asleep.

No.
More talking.
Then silence.
Then, "THUD".
But somehow I didn't place the noise in her room.
Then...

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH". Wailing.

I run in her room. Not expecting to see her on the floor, and in the dark, I glance down at the floor where I notice a heap of something..."OMFG, THAT'S LILY AND SHE'S SCREAMING ON THE FLOOR!!  HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET THERE???".

I kid you not, she looked like a Charlie Brown:

Only face down. Spread eagle. And pretend Lucy is me without a football. (So, maybe nothing like this but I needed a visual.)

And she didn't even move her face to the side to cry. She was flat out.

I scooped her up and held her, checking her limbs, etc. Thank God we have carpet in the bedrooms in this house. She was fine, just scared.

But I'm telling you, it was comical.

I know this does not make her unique in the world of children. This is some sort of rite of passage of toddlerhood, but when it happens to YOUR child, it's like it's the only time it's ever happened to any child, anywhere (that goes along with almost everything with babies/toddlers, I suppose, but that's a whole other post in itself).

There you have it. My hilarity of the past couple of weeks, at my child's expense.

The end.

Giving...thanks???

So, I'm not going to lie. This Thanksgiving was a big disappointment. It's so incredibly selfish to say that because I have so many amazing things in my life to be thankful for, and I am, but sometimes holidays are all hype and the climax just really sucks.

I'm writing about this here and not on my daily life blog because the majority of the reason why today wasn't what I had hoped is because, well, Lily was a big fat pain in my ass. Is that bad to say?

Even if it is, I said it. I needed to say it because that's my truth.

The day actually started out shitty because the night was shitty. That part of the day actually had nothing to do with Lily. It was my husband's fault. I'll Cliff Note this portion of the story to say, he went out way too late, came home drunk, puked his brains out for a few hours, and was basically worthless most of the day. I couldn't sleep through the puking, I had to take care of the baby, and I cleaned the house. Not what I call a fantastic way to spend a holiday morning BUT the saving grace of the morning was when my parents came over for breakfast. Dustin managed to muscle through the nausea (as he should have since I was so angry) and made a great breakfast. That was a really nice part of the morning.

However, I was honestly really excited to go to my in-law's for a huge feast at 4pm. Lily even took two naps today (ZOMG, yes, TWO), so I thought for sure she would be an angel until 7:30-8pm.

Unfortunately, the best laid plans always fall to shit.

She was not nice. At all. Tantrum city.
That's all. The end.

I don't need to go into many details. That truly is the long and the short of it. I guess my disappointment comes in because pre-Lily I had this idealistic picture in my head of what the holidays would be like once we had children. I pictured it so much differently. I pictured a happier child, a bit more content, and even if she did get crabby in my fantasy, I pictured it not being a problem because I could surely just put her down in a pack-n-play so Dustin and I could stay to socialize, like an average married couple, and have adult conversations over a bonfire and glass of wine.

I suppose that's why they're called fantasies.

The reality was that she was content for about 30 minutes, going from person to person seeing what they had to offer, and then turned into a screaming monster. NOTHING was making her happy. Needless to say, I spent the remainder of the 1.5 hours there trying desperately to make her happy. I didn't even get to converse with anyone, other than the family members that would try to intervene and say, "What's wrong with her??", and in my mind I would reply, "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW OTHERWISE I WOULD FIX IT!!".

So, we had to cut our visit short because, contrary to my fantasy world, listening to a screaming toddler is not tolerable. It's flat out annoying.

If this post makes me sound like a selfish mother and a Thanksgiving scrooge, so be it. I'm throwing a pity party for myself tonight and you're all invited.

Right now, I'm thankful for my redheaded toddler that is finally quiet and sound asleep. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Many days of motherhood I wished that you were somewhere else in your development. When you were a newborn I *wished* for you to become more interactive. When you were an infant I *wished* for the day that you would sleep through the night. These days, I *wish* for the day that you can fully communicate your feelings to me. I *wish* for the day that you will walk by my side instead of wandering your own way. I *wish* for the tantrum phase to be over.

I know that we should never *wish* for anything other than where we are but I believe its human nature of a mother, just to bring some ease into the situation. Most days I absorb where we are and live for the day but others I have, and do, wish for something.

This week, I have wished for nothing but exactly where you are. Reason being, you suffered your first major loss...but I don't think you even know.

On Monday, daddy and I had to make the horribly difficult decision to put Bear to sleep, at the age of 12. He was sick and in pain so we needed to let him go. It was ultimately the least selfish thing we could do for such a great friend.

He was your first best friend, whether you liked it or not. He watched over you carefully and protected you. He wanted to always be near you and was ever so mindful of you. He slept every night outside of your door, even waking you at times with a brush against your door.


You never loved Bear like I had hoped you would. You were intimidated by his size, and definitely by his bark, but you warmed up to him at times, giving him an affectionate "pat pat" on his head or going to his dog food, grabbing a handful, putting it in his dish, and then calling for him. You tolerated him well, despite your small fear of his large frame.

As daddy took him away in Pop-Pop's van, I explained where he was going and why. I told you he will be in heaven now watching over you. You looked a bit confused and even a bit concerned. After the van pulled away, you asked me several times, "Bear??", and I would explain it again.

A half an hour later, we went back inside the house...and you haven't asked for him since. I tell you a couple times a day that Bear is in heaven now, just as a reminder in case your little brain does ever wonder.

I have been thanking God that you do not cry for him, look for him, continue to want to feed him, or worry about him. It could be that you are perceptive enough to know that he left in that van and he isn't coming back, or maybe you are just too young to realize his absence. Either way, I am so glad this isn't hard on you. My heart couldn't handle breaking enough for the two of us.

Lily-isms Lately

She is all toddler. She is a constant stream of energy, only stopping to sleep 12 hours at night, possibly a short nap during the day, and to poop (yes, still in her pants. Mama is not up for potty training yet, sorry.)

She has quite the sense of humor, mimicking pop-pop when he sneezes and laughing when mama fake cries (to get her attention. Not exactly the response I was looking for). She also sports quite the attitude by saying "no" when I ask her to say please and pounding her chest like a cave woman when she wants something, as if to say "ME! I want it NOW!". 

She still has complete conversations in her own language, only throwing in something sensible once in a great while. We are now convinced she is German and nothing of the Asian decent. Her language is very guttural and sharp.

She continues to LOVE music. So much so that she puts on her own shows. She "sings" and dances at the same time, stops, then claps and exclaims "YAYYYYYY!!", as though she just gave the performance of her life to an audience of one...herself.

She calls people by their titles now when she wants their attention...or when she wants to interrupt conversation. Dustin and I were in her room a couple of days ago, talking, and she would say, "Ma!" to get my attention and proceed to tell me a story in German. When she would finish, I would go back to talking to Dustin. Lather, rinse, repeat. It was so cute. Possibly the start to a horrible habit, but cute.

She wasn't overly impressed by Halloween. We went downtown for our town's Halloween parade and trick-or-treating, put on by all of the local businesses, and I dressed her like an angel. She didn't care about the kids. She didn't care about the candy. She didn't care about the festivities. She cared about the street... She just wanted to walk in the street and look at her sparkly new shoes as she walked. It's the simple things in life. Oh, how we adults can learn from babies.

On Halloween, her and I dressed up like Pebbles and Wilma Flintstone:

 

 Totally similar, right?!

We took her trick-or-treating to about 4 houses. She didn't get it. Not only that but she is in this extremely shy phase and just freezes in the presence of most strangers so she just gave everyone this blank stare. God love my socially inept child. (Fingers crossed that the play groups that she recently started will help with this asap).

What she did understand is that there was candy in her little bag. She wanted to examine the goods every time we left a house....Then her interest turned to just wanting to walk on everyone's grass. That's when we knew it was time to hang up the wig and realize that this kid couldn't care less about this holiday right now. Fun for me... sure, fun for her... sure. Overall, it was a win, win but I'm looking forward to her actually understanding it next year.

As many of my mom friends warned me, at this age I slowly see my baby slipping away into her own personality. Its an amazing transformation and so bitter sweet.