"GO AWAY, MOMMY!!"

My daughter said those words to me on her birthday, kicking me at the same time, as I was putting on her jammies.
Be still my broken heart.
She wanted her grandfather in that moment, which is completely acceptable, but I did not realize she would break my heart so early on. I want her to always want me and to always need me. :::sigh:::
Reality sets in.

Dear Lily,
I think the phrase I use the most when reflecting on something about you is, "I can't believe...", simply because it is so incredible how fast time goes and the growth you experience within that time.

You are two. As of 4:45am yesterday, I have a two year old. It just seems impossible that it has been two years since I was sitting in the hospital marveling over you along side of your dad. I remember so much from those three days in the hospital, like it was yesterday. I remember during that time I continually reminded myself to "be present" and "stay in the moment" so I could remember. So far, so good.

Last night, after I put you to bed, I sat and watched home movies of you from 0-6 months. You had the most gorgeous newborn skin, the reddest hair, the most curious blue eyes, and the longest fingers. Now, at two, with that same porcelain skin, those curious (now green) eyes, your busy fingers that are now in proportion to your dainty hands, and your strawberry blond hair, you are not a baby anymore. It's so bittersweet. I love seeing you develop, learn new things, become a little person...but I miss those baby noises and the times when you would fall asleep on my chest.  Ah, the emotions that go along with all of this!

Seeing you grow is simply amazing right now. You can count to ten, you know a lot of letters, colors, shapes, and animals; you love to sing and dance; your advanced vocabulary (per your teacher, not your biased mama) puts together the cutest small sentences; your intensity when you're processing something new is so cute, especially the way you furrow your brow; the way you observe others when you're feeling overwhelmed in a group is so perceptive and the right thing to do for you. There are just so many things happening right now. I love it.

Terrible twos? Yes. We have had those moments/hours/days already. Mommy is still learning to cope with this stage and extend her patience, but we're making it through.  Unfortunately, your birthday was one of those days. Totally understandable though, since you had a nasty cold and we still partied like rock stars on Saturday, the day before your birthday. You loved being the "belle of the ball", as your mamau called it! The Elmo themed birthday party was a hit with you and your guests seemed to have fun, too, so I guess accepting some crabbiness the day after was well worth it.

So, my fiery little red head, happy 2nd birthday. May this year bring a lot of amazing discoveries, fun memories, many laughs, and much happiness. I look forward to every single day with you and just know how special you make my world (and so many others, too!).

Thank you for being so wonderful.

Love,
Your mama.

I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. Perhaps that's because Lily will be 2 next week and she has every ounce of a 2 year old's energy level. I am truly exhausted when she goes to bed at 8-8:30pm. It's like a truck hit me most nights, which I'm thankful for because that means she's healthy and developing properly, keeping me on my toes!

On this, my second Mother's Day, I've been thinking about how I've changed as a person since becoming a mom, almost two years ago. Someone actually asked me that specific question last week and I've been thinking about an appropriate answer ever since. I just don't believe I articulated it well in my answer, which was this:

• I had to learn how to become self-less and put me last, which I've never truly had to do
• I have become less anxious about a lot of things, spending less time in my own head, and more anxious about others, like germs. Having a sick kid is way worse than I anticipated. 
• I have had to find my backbone and deal with confrontation in some situations, which I always avoided.
• I have become a lot more empathetic towards people in general. 
• I have cut friends out of my life that were too taxing. There's just no time for that shit now and I want Lily to have a role model for choosing good people in her life.
• I have become less judgmental in a lot of ways and more judgmental in some.
• I'm a lot stronger overall.
• I have a billion times more respect and love for my own mom.
• I have a greater respect for my body and what it's capable of.

Reading those thoughts back...there just isn't enough substance to those answers.
The truth is, everything has changed about me since becoming a mother. Everything. It isn't that I've lost myself in motherhood or that it has taken away my identity. It's actually that I have found myself, and continue to discover myself, throughout this journey. I have found out so much about myself that I didn't know or realize before. I have found who I want to be in the future for Lily and who I don't ever want to be.

Motherhood is so amazingly scary, so amazingly bad, so amazingly overwhelming, so amazingly wonderful, so amazingly tiring. Motherhood is so amazing.

Thank you, Lily Ocean, for making me a mother, a different person, a better person. You, my love, are my world.

There are some days and some weeks when I truly, truly mourn my old life. I mourn the freedom I once had as a childless individual. The freedom of sleeping in until 10am on a Saturday, eating some breakfast and then beaching it for the rest of the afternoon. The freedom of going to Target with my whole brain functioning and focusing on why I'm there instead of trying to keep a child content and rushing through the store to avoid any potential meltdowns. The freedom to go workout a few days a week. Shit, even the freedom of nurturing my marriage by spending an entire day together without watching Yo Gabba Gabba or changing a diaper. The freedom of living guilt free because even if I drop Lily off somewhere to do something for myself for an hour or so means feeling guilt. Just, missing freedom.

This past week was one of those weeks.

There wasn't anything specifically horrible about this past week, aside from Lily's first ever adult food vomiting experience, which, albeit awful (if you know me at all you know I have a weird phobia of vomiting), was not enough in it of itself to evoke these feelings. I just go through this sometimes.

I often wonder if it's because I had a child in my 30's instead of my 20's. Maybe I was just more set in my ways because I was older? Maybe it has nothing to do with that and more to do with the fact that I'm a spoiled only child that only had to ever worry about myself and my dog? I'm not sure, but I'm just being honest here, I miss my pre-child life once in awhile.

No one told me that I might feel this way. I don't feel guilt over these feelings anymore because I have accepted them as being normal. I might have even shared these exact emotions before and I'm repeating myself, but so be it. It feels good to be honest and get it off my chest right now.

Yet another thing about motherhood that is interesting to me is the "OMG, my kid does ::::fill in the blank here:::: and s/he must be the only one to do it because ZOMG it's so bad/different/good, etc.". Does this make sense?

Allow me to give examples.

When Lily was a newborn and suffered from silent reflux, I felt like the only mother alive dealing with this kind of issue on this level, even though logically I knew I wasn't.

When Lily wouldn't sleep through the night from 3.5 months of age until, oh, about 3 months ago, I SWORE that NO ONE has it this bad with their child's sleep.

When Lily got all of her teeth between the ages of 6 month to a year, aside from her 2 year molars, I was SURE that God was only torturing my kid, and, well, me.

When Lily had a 105 degree temperature when she was 13 months old, I was certain that no mother worried this much because surely no 13 month old has been this sick.

When Lily had a difficult time transitioning into school, obviously no child has been this difficult with all of the crying.

And these feelings can go for good, positive things, too...

When Lily falls down and skins her knees up, she rarely cries so she must be tougher than others.

Lily speaks in sentences already so she must be advanced.

And so on.

Logically, as a mother, you know that every parent goes through similar milestones, aches, pains, challenges, etc., and we are not different from others at all, but as a first time mother, I have felt like the only one on earth to go through certain things with such intensity. Perhaps it's just the way I deal with parenting issues and my feelings reveal how truly unprepared for motherhood I was. Feeling how difficult, exhilarating, tiring, joyous, heartwarming, :::insert any other adjective here::: with such passion has always taken me by surprise in this motherhood journey. Just going through so many experiences and situations that you cannot truly imagine, before you're there and living them, is so intense.

Most recently, Lily said,

"Mommy, I love you, mommy"

And I was certain that no other human has felt this special and this emotional over these simple words.

Well, Lily, you're in your second week of school...and it isn't going well... yet. You think that you love it after we've left and I ask you about it, but when you're there....not so much.
There are only 6 kids in your class, including you, and you're only there 6 hours a week, but you miss us when you're there. Your teacher is amazing, and so is the assistant, but you just don't love it...yet. Miss Vicki says that you say, "All done? Home?" most of the day. When I pick you up, you give me a pouty face and sometimes cry, just to show how unhappy you are. I caught you having fun a couple of times though, before you saw me. You love to play with Miss Leslie and Colton and Lola are your favorite friends so far.

Here is a typical conversation on the car ride home:
Mama: Did you have fun at school today?
Lily: YES. (Very stern, as though I scripted you to answer this way.)
Mama: What did you do?
Lily: Went owsigh. Paint.
Mama: Do you like Miss Vicki?
Lily: Yes. Miss Mickey.
Mama: What about Miss Leslie?
Lily: Lessssslieeeee. :smile:
Mama: Miss Vicki said you didn't want to paint today. Why didn't you paint?
Lily: I crwyying.
Mama: Mama doesn't want you to cry. Did you miss mama?
Lily: Yes. Miss mama. Lub mama.
Mama: Maybe you will try painting next time?
Lily: YES.

(How crazy is it that I have full conversations with you now?)

So, school isn't quite your thing yet, but we're going to keep trying for awhile. I can't stand that you cry as much as you do there but I know you'll love it soon enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are definitely growing and developing so quickly, as always. You have a fantastic sense of humor and you are doing so many cute/funny things that it's too much to list here. One little nuance that I love is when you're playing with me, you cover your head with a blanket, pull it off and say, "THERE SHE IS!!", mimicking what I always say. Another great example is when you say, "I'm fiiiiiiiiine", or, "I'm ooookkkkkkkaayyyy", when you hurt yourself or you're scared. Again, you just mimic what I say to you to soothe you. It's so cute.

You use your words appropriately the majority of the time, saying "want" when you are hungry for something specific, and things of the like.
You love playing with my jewelry and constantly ask to "put on".
When I ask you if you love mama, you say, "love mama, love daddy, love bop bop, love nana", immediately going down the list of "loves".
You really don't like your bath anymore. I think it's because you correlate it to bedtime now and God knows you CAN'T miss anything. You stand up in the bath the whole entire time. It's funny.
You're napping and sleeping better lately :::knocks on wood::::. You're pretty much an 8pm-7:30am sleeper and a 1-2:30 napper.
You have the biggest sweet tooth. I wonder where you got that from?? :::as I shove chocolate chips in my mouth:::
You're starting to show a few signs of being close to ready for potty training...but I'm not quite ready for that yet.
You're favorite pastime is running on the couch. You get reprimanded about 100 times a day now, which obviously holds no weight. As a matter of a fact, you reprimand me back and say, "Mama, no wrunin", with your finger pointed at me.
You've learned the word "shit", thanks to me. Opps. Thankfully you've only said it once.

I cannot believe you're going to be 2 in 3 months. How can that possibly be?

I have been agonizing over daycare and I blame the women's movement. No, really. I do.

I am reading this awesome book, that was borrowed to me by a friend, called I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, which I believe that every new-ish mom should read, and it talks about exactly this: semi blaming the women's/feminist movement for all of our choices as females. I could seriously quote this book all the live long day because it is that.good. but I'll just highlight this for now:

"Yes, we are grateful for the women who fought and worked so hard to give us all of these advantages. The feminist movement opened doors, enabling and inspiring us to go for what we truly want in life. But the women's movement, as far as we're concerned, is still a work in progress. Self-actualization is a lot easier to talk about than it is to attain. How to "do it"- to be empowered, to take our own lives by the reins, to have children and be happy, all at the same time- is something most of us have yet to figure out".

Choices can sometimes prove to be a burden instead of a blessing, is what I took away from this section of the book. Choices can be dangerous.

Would I be bitching if we weren't given any choices like our grandmothers? Probably, but let me just go off on this tangent for awhile since we're living in this day and age.

As women, we DO do it all. Sure, some may not be the ones to pay the bills or take out the trash but for the most part we run our households and make the major decisions when it comes to our children. It's a lot of fucking pressure. We have so many choices and there are so many "what ifs" that go along with raising a child, it can be overwhelming.

I should back up and explain where I'm going with this...

I am a full time working mother. Yes, I work from home and NO, it isn't as glamourous as it sounds. It downright sucks sometimes because of having a lack of focus when I'm listening to a tantrum-ing toddler from the other room. Plus, I run a sales force...actually, I run an entire company. It isn't easy, but I'm very fortunate to have this job. It pays well and I get to work in my jammies.

Enter childcare. We are very lucky to have both sets of Lily's grandparents within a 3 mile radius of us. They are very helpful but still have their own jobs and lives...which leaves us the option of day care to fill in the gaps. We have been making due without daycare for 20 months but it has been more than a challenge at times.

Pre-Lily I was ALLLLL about daycare and the benefits of it. So many of my friends have their children in daycare and they are so well adjusted- the kids and the parents. It all made sense, in theory, to sign Lily up for a couple of days a week. She has been on a waiting list since early November at the only reputable daycare facility in town.

Well, her turn came up sooner than expected, thanks to a friend that works there. I got the call last Friday from the director that Lily could start Tuesday. "The all-day hours are from 7:30-5:30", the director told me. I was starting to feel panic in my throat, instead of excitement, for Lily's new endeavor. "Ok", I say, "I will be right over to get the registration forms".

And so I did.
I go to the school, talk with the director, get the student handbook, go over the list of (enormous, ridiculous) fees...panic, not excitement. I meet the teacher. She is wonderful...until...she says..."I don't allow pacifiers or baby blankets here". Holy Christ, I almost started crying right then and there.
"Oh.", I say, "Well, Lily will scream without those things. She is a self soother. And she won't sleep.".
I could barely speak at that point because I was holding back tears. I felt as though someone was holding a gun to my head and telling me how things were going to be for MY child.

I left there, bawling, feeling defeated and scared for Lily. "She's still a baby. She needs her paci and her 'baby'. She's not going to sleep. She's going to be miserable and think we abandoned her. She's going to cry all day. Jesus, I can't do this." So many thoughts.

And then it hit me...I have choices here. "What about half days? What about saying screw it and just leaving the plan we had in place? What about this? What about that?". Good Lord, the choices. I was truly agonizing over this all weekend. Sleep was lost.

That's when I started hating the whole "females are equal" charade. Mrs. Cleaver didn't have these fucking decisions to make for her family! She raised her kids, cooked and cleaned and THAT was her place, damnit. She knew her role. It was as simple as that. We, as females, belong in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. And we shouldn't be able to vote either!

I really don't believe any of the above paragraph but perhaps the thought of a "simpler time" sounds intriguing to me when things get complicated. I wonder if times were, indeed, simpler at some point, or if that is just something we all dream of?

I am glad, however, that the women's movement has allowed me to me a choice about cooking. I don't do it and that is completely acceptable. Thank you, Gloria Steinem.